


riverdale™

by rosybelle



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: A+ Parenting, Angst, Edge Lords, F/F, F/M, Gay, Hormonal Teenage Horndogs, M/M, Memes, Murder, Teenage Drama, im just making these up as i go, so much gay, um
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-19
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2018-12-17 04:43:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 22,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11844174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosybelle/pseuds/rosybelle
Summary: the riverdale group chat au that no one asked for





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ronniehoward: Veronica  
> bettybop: Betty  
> archangel: Archie  
> edgelord: Jughead

_You have created a chat._

_You have named the chat:_ **HELP**

_You have added:_   **edgelord, ronniehoward,** _and_ **bettybop** _to the chat._

 

archangel: I NEED UR HELP

 

edgelord: what is it?

 

archangel: JUGHEAD THANK GOD UR HERE

 

edgelord: yeah arch you invited me 

 

ronniehoward: are we going to have to explain the concept of texting to you again??

 

archangel: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME FOR A SECOND

 

bettybop: archie!!! stop cursing my mom reads my texts...

 

edgelord: fuck your mom

 

bettybop: JUGHEAD

 

archangel: SHUT!!! THE!!!! FUCK!!!!! UP!!!!

 

archangel: SOMETHING TRAGIC HAS HAPPENED

 

ronniehoward: something more tragic that our relationship that lasted for .174847 seconds??!?! heyo

 

bettybop: hahahaha :)

 

ronniehoward: love you baby i would dump that ginger piece of shit for u again in a heartbeat ;o

 

archangel: GUYS

 

edgelord: yeah please stop calling my boyfriend a ginger piece of shit he's very sensitive !!!!

 

archangel: GUYS PLEASE MY DAD HAS JUST ASKED ME FOR A PINT OF CHUNKY MONEY ICE CREAM AND AS HIS SON I CAN'T DO THAT TO HIM!!!!

 

edgelord: sweetheart your father is in the hospital recovering from a gunshot wound he can have any ice cream he wants

 

bettybop: yes!!!! give a man his chunky monkey!!!

 

ronniehoward: ew babe that sounded very sexual

 

ronniehoward: besides FP gives fred his chunky monkey on a daily basis ;;;;;;;;;))))))))))

 

edgelord: PLEASE STOP

 

archangel: VERONICA

 

ronniehoward: awwwww u love me

 

edgelord: It It Hadn't Have Been For The Laws of This Land I Would Have Slaughtered You

 

bettybop: GUYS IM SERIOUS MY MOM READS THESE TEXTS

 

edgelord: noah fence betts but im not exactly terrified of your middle-aged mother

 

ronniehoward: omg u should be

 

ronniehoward: when she found out i was dating betty she came to my house @ 3 am and threatened me and my mother with death if i ever hurt her

 

edgelord: and how exactly would she kill you? by pelting you with unused tampons???

 

edgelord: what im trying to say is that alice cooper has hit menopause and also can't do shit

 

bettybop: OH NO U GUYS RUN

 

ronniehoward: ???? we are in a groupchat we cannot run babe

 

ronniehoward: betty?????

 

edgelord: betty??????????????????????

 

edgelord: oh my fucking god she fucking dead

 

bettybop: No, Jughead, my daughter is not dead. However, you will be soon if you keep insisting that my middle-age will effectively prevent me from bringing you down. Have a nice day! Sincerely, Alice Cooper.

 

edgelord: OH GOD MRS COOPER IM SO SORRY PLEASE DONT HURT ME I WAS JUST KIDDING FUCK IM CRYING

 

ronniehoward: oh my god

 

edgelord: PLEASE MRS COOPER 

 

bettybop: i was just kidding!!! lmfao i thought you weren't scared of my middle-aged mother???

 

edgelord: BETTY COOPER YOU HAVE JUST AGED ME 50 YEARS 

 

bettybop: :)

 

archangel: you guys im back from the mini-mart!!!!! the chunky monkey made my dad so happy!

 

ronniehoward: good!!!!!!!

 

archangel: yeah :) we're watching desperate housewives now

 

edgelord: oh my god your dad likes desperate housewives????

 

archangel: omfg yeah????? i was just as surprised as you are!

 

ronniehoward: ok well i gotta zayn you guys

 

bettybop: aw why :(

 

ronniehoward: guys im about to have sex with my girlfriend

 

bettybop: ????????

 

bettybop: oh

 

bettybop: OH

 

bettybop: YOU GUYS I GOTTA GO OH GOD

 

**ronniehoward** and  **bettybop** _have left the chat._

 

archangel:....

 

archangel: hey jughead....

 

edgelord: yeah?

 

archangel: what are u wearing?

 

archangel: ;)))))))))))

 

**edgelord** _has left the chat._

 

archangel: god fucking dammit


	2. ??!?!?!? part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ohhhhhh wow that's gotta hurt

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

bettybop: EVEYONE 

 

ronniehoward: yes betty eveyone is here

 

bettybop: OH MY GOD I MEAN EVERYONE 

 

bettybop: ARCHIE GOT HURT

 

edgelord: ???!!?!?!?MJSHJJS!??!?

 

bettybop: WAIT SHIT U GUYS IM DRIVING SORRY IF I DON'T RESPOND FOR A MINUTE

 

ronniehoward: WAIT BETTY IS ARCHIE'S FACE OKAY????????

 

bettybop: YES 

 

bettybop: BUT YEAH THE INJURY INVOLVES A GOLF CART AN INEBRIATED REGGIE MANTLE

 

edgelord: OH GOD DID HE GET HIT BY IT????????? BETTY IS HE DEAD???????? WHATS HAPPENING

 

bettybop: yes archie got hit with it but there's only a 30% change he's lose his left hand!!!!!

 

edgelord: WTAH THE FUKH

 

ronniehoward: damn

 

ronniehoward: how is he gonna beat his meat

 

bettybop: VERONICA

 

ronniehoward: im just kidding lol

 

edgelord: BITCH DONT KID MY BOYFRIEND IS DYING HES DEAD

 

bettybop: jughead he isn't dead!!!!!

 

edgelord: YES HE IS

 

bettybop: veronica please go over to pop's and make sure he's okay????

 

ronniehoward: on it

 

ronniehoward: what the fuck happened???

 

bettybop: I DONT KNOW

 

ronniehoward: ??????????

 

bettybop: ONE MINUTE IM CHEERING THE NEXT MINUTE I HEAR ARCHIE SCREAMING "SWEET NIBLETS!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

ronniehoward: the one time im sick and can't go to a game this happens???

 

ronniehoward: also sweet niblets????

 

bettybop: OH YEAH WE WATCHED HANNNAH MONTANA AFTER SCHOOL TODAY 

 

ronniehoward: just....

 

ronniehoward: make sure he doesn't die

 

bettybop: ok i can do that!!!!

 

bettybop: is jughead okay???

 

ronniehoward: oh yeah he's fine he's just looking outside the window angstily

 

bettybop: yeah that sounds like him

 

bettybop: whoops!!!!! gotta blast!!!!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: WAIT BETTY IF HE HAS TO GO UNDER TAKE A VIDEO OF HIS HIGH RAMBLINGS

 

bettybop: OF COURSE

 

**bettybop** _has left the chat._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah this chapter was short lmfao


	3. ??!?!?!? part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fred andrews types like cher ft archie's hand injury

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

bettybop: ok im now @ the hospital but they're saying that archie's in surgery so yeah

 

edgelord: are they amputating his fucking hand?!?!

 

bettybop: omg no? 

 

bettybop: why would u think that...

 

edgelord: um cause u literally said 20 mins ago that there was a 30% chance that he might lose his hand???

 

bettybop: oh yeah lol

 

bettybop: i was just basing that off the fact that his hand was bent....weirdly

 

edgelord: so u just assumed that his hand needed to be amputated?!?!?

 

bettybop: yeah i guess that's pretty accurate yeah

 

ronniehoward: tbh im still trying to figure out why archie's first instinct was to scream "sweet niblets".....damn

 

edgelord: i'll be at the hospital in 10 mins

 

bettybop: cool

 

bettybop: ronnie?

 

ronniehoward: yeah

 

bettybop: when will u be at the hospital?

 

ronniehoward: oh im not going

 

bettybop: why not!

 

ronniehoward: because im fucking sick with the flu do u really think the people there would appreciate if my contagious ass came into the waiting room and just started coughing and sweating all over the place

 

bettybop: that's a really good point

 

ronniehoward: just give me updates okay babe?

 

bettybop: of course <3

 

edgelord: is archie out yet??

 

bettybop: yeah but the doctor said that he has to check his vitals and stuff and make sure he doesn't have a concussion

 

bettybop: OMG

 

edgelord: WHAT

 

bettybop: MR ANDREWS JUST TEXTED ME

 

ronniehoward: omg why

 

bettybop: BECAUSE ARCHIE IS IN THE BED NEXT TO HIM

 

ronniehoward: ok but i stg that my mother paid to have him in his own private suite why is he sharing a room with someone?

 

bettybop: according to him they're cleaning his room so he's downstairs for a while

 

bettybop: he says he had info!!

 

edgelord: well let him in the chat!!!

 

bettybop: k!!!!

 

**bettybop** _has added_ **fredandrews** _to the chat._

 

ronniehoward: hi mr andrews!

 

fredandrews: Hello Veronica  i Hope You And Your Mom are DOing OK

 

ronniehoward: yes we are thank u

 

fredandrews: And How R u MR jones

 

edgelord: eh im doing okay just a little bit anxious abt archie

 

fredandrews: Oh Don Not be!!! He IS OK

 

fredandrews: I Mean Do Not Be

 

bettybop: that's okay mr andrews

 

bettybop: can u tell us what u know abt archie's condition

 

fredandrews: he Is OK He Has A Dislocated Wrist and A Few Broken Fingers The Only Reason They Put Him IN Surgery Was For Exploratory Reasons....He Has No Head Trauma 

 

fredandrews: YOU Kids are Making It Sound Like Archie Got Shot!!!!!!! He is not in That Much Pain!!!! And I Should Know hahhahaaa ᕦ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᕤ

 

edgelord: are u joking about your bullet wound??

 

fredandrews: Of Course I Am JUghead I CanT Just Sit Here All Day And Wallow Abt The Time I Got a Teeny Scratch On My Torso ahahahah

 

ronniehoward: mr andrews you were shot??!?!?!

 

fredandrews: And??!

 

ronniehoward:...nothing

 

fredandrews: But Yeas THat Is My News Fr All OF U

 

fredandrews: But I Have To Tell U My Least Favorite Nurse Loretta Was There And She Was Kept Making Comments 2 Her CoWorkers About My Son...If You Have Something TO Say About My Child Say It To My Face Bitch.....Many Lost Respect 4 You....

 

edgelord: mr andrews why are u so iconic?

 

fredandrews: IDK But They Are Telling Me That I Need To Go To SLeep Now Like Im am a  Child!!!!! Im A Grown Ass Man My Bedtime Is Never Try To Take My Phone From me Bitches!!!!!!!!!! ID Like To Se

 

**fredandrews** _has left the chat._

 

bettybop: i hope he isn't dead...

 

ronniehowad: he's most likely fine honey

 

edgelord: damn this hospital sucks ass lets go to pops betty 

 

bettybop: but you're boyfriend is in the hospital?? don't you want to see him at some point??

 

edgelord: at some point yeah but rn im starving and hospital cafeterias suck major ass so lets go

 

bettybop: well i can't argue with u there....

 

ronniehoward: can you get me a chocolate milkshake to go??? i'll buzz u in

 

bettybop: of course babe

 

edgelord: i want my meat and caffeine!!!

 

bettybop: ok we're leaving omg

 

bettybop: what if archie wakes up??

 

edgelord: he can be alone for a bit okay

 

edgelord: if anything that is going to be his punishment for screaming sweet niblets like that is a proper exclamation while in pain

 

ronniehoward: i am in full support of that

 

bettybop:...ok fine

 

edgelord: now burgers!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is how fred andrews texts and no one can fight me on that


	4. hehehe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> betty and veronica team up to solve the gayest mystery out there...ft. a surprise guest!!

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

_You have changed the chat name to:_ **please help me lmfao**

 

edgelord: can someone please distract me

 

edgelord: i am stuck in an uber with my high as balls boyfriend

 

edgelord: he is literally just rambling about....nothing

 

edgelord: i think i heard him say the words "twinkie" and "queefs" but other than that i don't know what the fuck he's saying

 

ronniehoward: oh geez jughead if you had told me that archie was so fucking doped up on hospital medication i would have driven you lmfao

 

edgelord: wow veronica don't worry im sure mr. andrews will help me take care of archie for the weekend :)

 

edgelord: oh wait mr. andrews can't come because he's too busy RECOVERING from fucking GUNSHOT WOUND

 

ronniehoward: damn sorry....yikes

 

edgelord: betty....save me from this perdition...

 

bettybop: sorry juggie :( im on house arrest 

 

ronniehoward: wait wtf why?!?!

 

bettybop: my mom found a bag of oregano in my drawer and now's she's convinced im a stoner

 

ronniehoward: aw babe we were supposed to watch breakfast at tiffany's at my place tonight !

 

bettybop: i know honey...

 

bettybop: i'll make it up to you

 

ronniehoward: ...how?

 

bettybop: you'll just have to wait and see ;)

 

edgelord: ok sorry to interrupt your sexting but i have a question: why was there a bag of oregano in your drawer in the first place????

 

bettybop: ....i have an oregano addiction....

 

edgelord: BETTY

 

ronniehoward: what...th..e....fukc

 

bettybop: ANYWAY

 

bettybop: jughead isn't your dad around?

 

edgelord:...we will be continuing this conversation at another time, elizabeth

 

bettybop: :)

 

edgelord: and yes, he was released from jail and is readily available i guess

 

ronniehoward: u guess?

 

edgelord: how should i fucking know veronica i don't even live with him anymore!?!?!

 

ronniehoward: oh yeah *sad lmfao*

 

edgelord: tag urself im *sad lmfao*

 

bettybop: wait!!!!! can you invite fp in this chat???

 

edgelord: great idea betty but i doubt my father is competent enough in modern technology to have kik

 

bettybop: ??? i've had him on kik for months now

 

ronniehoward: yeah me too he sends me memes

 

ronniehoward: your father has a fascinating meme collection?? the memes i send him aren't half as good as his are....maybe he can meme tutor me

 

edgelord: i can't fucking believe....my own father....didn't tell me he had kik.......

 

edgelord: add him

 

bettybop: k

 

**bettybop**   _has added_ **fpjonesii** _to the chat._

 

fpjonesii: what's up, motherfuckers?

 

bettybop: mr. jones!!!

 

fpjonesii: betty! how have you been, sweetheart?

 

bettybop: i'm doing alright mr. jones!!!!

 

ronniehoward: hey fp what up

 

fpjonesii: veronica! how's my favorite lesbian?

 

ronniehoward: lmfao im fine mr. jones

 

ronniehoward: what are u up to???

 

fpjonesii: nothing much, just enjoying the liberties of freedom that i took for granted before i was unjustly sent to prison...

 

ronniehoward: so does that mean ur free?

 

fpjonesii: yeah

 

ronniehoward: great !! can u help jughead help archie for the day?

 

fpjonesii; well, sure

 

fpjonesii: i'm just kinda confused as to why my son couldn't ask me himself?

 

fpjonesii: btw who is this "edgelord" in the chat with us?

 

edgelord: why don't you ask him and find out....dad

 

fpjonesii: okay, who are you?

 

edgelord: i think you already know....dad.....

 

fpjonesii: i literally have no goddamn idea who the fuck you're supposed to be

 

edgelord: IT'S ME DAD!!!!!

 

fpjonesii: half the people in riverdale call me dad/daddy. you're gonna have to be more specific?

 

edgelord: first of all, what the fuck ew

 

edgelord: second of all, it's me!!!!!! jughead!!!!!! you're firstborn child!!!!! your son!!!!!!! 

 

fpjonesii: oh, hey jughead!

 

ronniehoward: im literally fucking pissing myself fp what the fuck

 

edgelord: dad, you've never told me u had kik!

 

fpjonesii: jug, you've seen me use my phone before? i obviously know what kik is

 

edgelord: i always thought you were completely stupid and oblivious towards modern technology!

 

fpjones: bitch, i'm old not stupid

 

ronniehoward: IM FUKCING CRYING 

 

edgelord: ughh

 

edgelord: dad can u please just come to the andrews residence so we can both figure out a way to take care of my idiot/high boyfriend?

 

edgelord: dad???

 

bettybop: mr. jones?? 

 

ronniehoward: is he dead??? lmfao

 

edgelord: great to know how u react to crisis, veronica

 

edgelord: but seriously dad where tf are u???

 

fpjones: did you say boyfriend?

 

edgelord:...what??

 

fpjones: you referred to archie andrews as your "boyfriend"

 

edgelord: shit

 

edgelord: y'know what dad, yes i did

 

edgelord: archie andrews is my soulmate, the love of my life, my other half, the apple of my eye, and all those other stupid terms of endearment 

 

edgelord: i'm in love with archie, dad, and archie's in love with me

 

**fpjonesii** _has left the chat._

edgelord: well.

 

edgelord: im gonna take care of my boyfriend, the undoubtedly more important thing than my father's possibly homophobic reaction to me coming out on fucking kik

 

edgelord: goodnight guys

 

**edgelord** _has left the chat._

 

bettybop: oh my god

 

bettybop: veronica, do you actually think that fp could be capable of not accepting his own son just because he has a boyfriend?

 

ronniehoward: no i don't 

 

bettybop: i know, it's so hard to accept :(

 

ronniehoward: no betty i legitimately believe that fp doesn't have a homophobic bone in his body

 

bettybop: how can you be so sure?

 

ronniehoward: he called me his favorite lesbian, betty. oftentimes that comes from vixens or other girls at the school who are secretly uncomfortable being around me because they think i'll peek at them in the locker room or something

 

ronniehoward: but i know that fp doesn't mean it that way

 

bettybop: ...ok

 

bettybop: so he calls you his favorite lesbian??? so what????

 

ronniehoward: remember that time he was drunk and started ranting about how bullshit proposition 8 was and how happy he was it didn't get end up getting passed?

 

bettybop: i don't remember anything like that happening??? the only time i've ever experienced a drunk fp was on kik...?

 

ronniehoward: that's because it was on kik !! 

 

bettybop: oh yeaaaaaaaaaaaah i remember now lol

 

bettybop: but that could mean anything!

 

ronniehoward: why are u so set on proving that fp is homophobic ?

 

bettybop: i'm not!

 

ronniehoward: then why can't you just accept that there is evidence pointing in a completely different direction?

 

bettybop: fine veronica

 

bettybop: if he's not a homophobe then why would he react so......nonreactively....

 

ronniehoward: first of all, that isn't a word

 

ronniehoward: second of all, he must've have been struggling to come to terms with something...

 

bettybop: yeah...like his son being a major homo?!?!?!?

 

ronniehoward: no!!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: since jason blossom's death i've learned that things are deeper beneath the surface...

 

bettybop: are you suggesting that we investigate why the non-homophobic fp jones would react so harshly to his son's coming out?

 

ronniehoward: exactly, betty

 

ronniehoward: exactly.....

 

bettybop: god help me

 

ronniehoward: or we would if i didn't already know the answer

 

bettybop: you know why?!?!?

 

ronniehoward: i've known the entire time, cariño

 

bettybop: well what is it????

 

ronniehoward: he's in love with fred andrews, obviously??

 

bettybop: lol ronnie nice one haha

 

bettybop: let's get serious, ok? 

 

ronniehoward: i am being serious ?

 

ronniehoward: fp always drones on about he and fred andrews were each other's ride or dies!! he's obviously reminiscing about the time he and mr andrews were inseparable!!

 

bettybop: ronnie, i reminisce about the time when archie and i were attached at the hip?? does that mean that im harboring a romantic love for him?? no!!!

 

bettybop: and if he was in love with mr andrews, why would he be so upset about jughead and archie are together?? wouldn't that bring them closer together???

 

ronniehoward: betty, how would you react if your mother ended up dating my father by some odd chance??

 

bettybop: I WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY REVOLTED!!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: EXACTLY!!!

 

ronniehoward: you would never be able to forgive her because that would be super disgusting!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: fp is protecting his son from being disgusted like that!!

 

bettybop: y'know what veronica??? if you are so sure about fp being in love with archie's dad, then why don't you confront him about it!!!!

 

ronniehoward: u know what, i will !!

 

bettybop: FINE

 

ronniehoward: FINE

 

**bettybop** _has left the chat._

 

ronniehoward: damn im not getting laid tonight am i

 

o0o

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: LISTEN UP FORYSTHE PENDELTON II

 

ronniehoward: YOU BETTER GET YOUR FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER

 

fpjonesii: veronica? it's 2 in the fucking morning

 

ronniehoward: REALLY? WELL I THINK ITS 2 LATE FOR YOU TO DENY YOUR BULLSHIT

 

fpjones: what are you talking about, veronica?

 

ronniehoward: you're in love with fred andrews

 

ronniehoward: that's why you're upset that jughead is dating archie

 

ronniehoward: you're upset because your son got a piece of one of the andrews' men before you did, right fp?

 

fpjones:...

 

fpjones: you're a smart kid, veronica. i won't deny that.

 

fpjones: but i guess you aren't smart enough to know that you're walking on think ice, kiddo.

 

fpjones: i suggest you back off.

 

ronniehoward: im trying to help you, fp.

 

ronniehoward: are you willing to negotiate?

 

fpjones:...depends.

 

ronniehoward: listen, i will give you my prized, custom made, autographed vinyl record of cupcakke's "Deepthroat" if you sort things out with your son.

 

fpjones: this means a lot to you, doesn't it, veronica?

 

ronniehoward: you have no idea, mr. jones.

 

fpjones: then it's a pleasure doing business with you, miss lodge.

 

ronniehoward: :)

 

**fpjonesii** _is offline._
    
    
        
    
        
    
    

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUMP ME FUCK ME DADDY BETTER MAKE ME CHOKE (you better)


	5. bitch me too!!! the fuck!!!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ft archie lmao

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone sorry i've been gone for 567897854323 years lmao
> 
> anyway
> 
> here is some more of the good shit aka depressed teenagers quoting vines to hide from their insecurity

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

edgelord: whom the fuck blackmailed my father into confessing his gay love for my boyfriend's dad????

 

bettybop: fp loves mr andrews?

 

edgelord: cut the bullSHIT betty

 

edgelord: whom'st've done the deed.....

 

ronniehoward: i did lmao

 

edgelord: VERONICA 

 

bettybop: BABE I WAS TRYING TO COVER FOR YOU

 

ronniehoward: listen if playing matchmaker for a destined couple is a crime then lock me the fuck up

 

edgelord: FIRST OF ALL YOU HAVE RUINED MY LIFE AND SECOND OF ALL YOU ARE THE WORST MATCHMAKER EVER

 

ronniehoward: fuck you talkin bout b im the best matchmaker ever

 

bettybop: no

 

ronniehoward: what hte fugk

 

bettybop: remember when you set josie up with alan dexter because she thought cheryl didn't love her back and was super depressed?

 

edgelord: oh my fucking god and cheryl literally showed up at pop's the same time they were there and literally made out with josie in front of him

 

ronniehoward: ok but what about you and archie???

 

edgelord: you did not play matchmaker for us veronica lodge!!!!!!!!! 

 

ronniehoward: oh yeah??? remember the night of archie confessing his love for you?? how archie took you for a walk to the park and surprised you with a gorgeous picnic, complete with pop's burgers and milkshakes???

 

edgelord: ....yeah

 

ronniehoward: that was my idea!!!!! mine!!!! i was sitting in a patch of poison ivy the entire night, watching you from afar and communicating with archie via walkie-talkie to tell him exactly what to say and do!!! i had poison ivy on my ass for a month!!!

 

edgelord: damn

 

edgelord: well you've still ruined my life so fuck you

 

ronniehoward: i don't give a shit hun <3 

 

  **archangel** _has entered the chat._

 

archangel: i want a christian giiiirl to go to church...

 

ronniehoward:...AnD rEaD hEr bIbLe

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIEKINS YOU'RE BACK 

 

archangel: i have done nothing this past two days but drink redbull and watch rip vine compilations lmaooooooooo

 

edgelord: it's true 

 

edgelord: he knows more about vines than he knows about the revolutionary war and i don't know if i should be horrified or impressed

 

ronniehoward: hmmmmmmmm

 

ronniehoward: ms keisha??? ms keisha?????

 

archangel: oh my fucking god she fucking dead....

 

ronniehoward: hey jared can you read number 23 for the class??? no i cannot

 

archangel: ............what up im jared im 19 and i never fucking learned how to read............

 

ronniehoward: where'd you get these bumps??

 

archangel: you got egzma???????

 

edgelord: well as much as i love to see you two bonding im afraid we have a problem

 

archangel: what you being a lame fucking biiiiiiiiitch?!?>!?!?!?!?!?

 

ronniehoward: lmfao get em sweetheart ;o

 

edgelord: betty wasn't the one to immediately respond to the "jared" vine

 

archangel: .....oh shit

 

ronniehoward: IM CALLLING THE POLICE MY GIRLFRIEND IS EITHJEIR FUCKING DEAD OR SHES BEEN FUCKING KIDNAPPED THAT IS HER FAVORIUTE EVRU

 

edgelord: veronica calm down okay???? 

 

archangel: yeah she's probably just left her phone alone for a sec!!!!! im sure she's fine :)

 

bettybop: im not dead

 

ronniehoward: babe!!!!! oh thank fuck

 

ronniehoward: i literally thought you were deceased

 

bettybop: i might as well be

 

archangel: ???? why what's wrong betts

 

bettybop: because i'm 19

 

edgelord: you're barely 16, but go on

 

bettybop: Because I'm 19

 

bettybop: And I Never Fucking Learned How To Read

 

ronniehoward: EEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYYYYYYYY LMFAOOOOOOOO

 

edgelord: why are my friends more focused on Vine References than their own emotional health???

 

ronniehoward: idk bitch why is your dad more focused on fred andrews' ass than your EMOtional health???

 

archangel: KJQWKDLHQWDJKHEJQDHWEUDFFDJB but also EW WHAT THE FUCK VERONICA

 

edgelord: i can't fucking....anyway

 

edgelord: who wants to go to pop's and drown their sorrows in milkshakes and onion rings!!!!11!!1!!1

 

bettybop: me

 

archangel: ME

 

ronniehoward: YES FUCK ME UP

 

edgelord: let's roll

 

edgelord: btw veronica you're paying

 

ronniehoward: ooooh your broke ass.......

 

_Saturday , 8:19 AM_

 

edgelord: hEWWOO????

 

ronniehoward: oh my god.... shut the fuck up....you loud fucking rude ass bitch....some people are trying to sleep hon.....you fucking XD i'm so random!!!11!1 ass bitch.....fuck

 

edgelord: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

 

archangel: juggie turn your brightness down it's too much

 

edgelord: fuck i'm so sorry sweetheart

 

edgelord: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT???????????????????

 

ronniehoward: tag urself i'm archie texting jughead to turn his brightness down even though they're in the same fuckihhg bed

 

bettybop: why am i so hungover?

 

edgelord: great now we're all hungover minors....

 

ronniehoward: wait how did u know i was hungover????

 

edgelord: you called my text "loud" veronica. text messages cannot be "loud"

 

ronniehoward: damn goood point

 

bettybop: i literally cannot remember anything past 6 last night????

 

archangel: and the last place we were at was pop's....

 

edgelord: so that means...

 

ronniehoward: either pop spiked our drinks with some "special sauce" or we somehow ended up at a party afterwards....

 

cherylbombshell: well, i'd be happy to tell you all about it :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof thassa cliff hanger
> 
> expect some drunk shenanigans via kik flashbacks
> 
> ps i do not condone underage drinking in any way shape or form   
> if there is anyone bellow the age of 21 reading this please don't hit the sause  
> if you do make sure you're with a group of trusted friends-this has been a psa from your friends at riverdale™
> 
> anyway see y'all sometime soon ily


	6. DONT DRINK WHILE UNDERAGE ISSA MISTAKE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stupid teenagers ft my girl cheryl finally being treated as she should

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there's an incredibly brief mention of cheryl's suicide attempt during season one, so watch out if your sensitive to that particular topic
> 
> enjoy!

_Friday, 5:29 PM_

ronniehoward: pssst

 

ronniehoward: psssssssssst 

 

bettybop: ??? we are literally sitting right next to each other why are you texting

 

ronniehoward: don't be obvious but cheryl blossom is sitting in the booth right next to the jukebox....

 

bettybop: omfgomfgomfg

 

ronniehoward: ikr

 

ronniehoward: i am literally praying to god above that my Anastasia Beverly Hills highlight in the shade Blue Ice doesn't catch the light and catch her sight because then we're done for

 

bettybop: while i appreciate your need to mention every makeup product you use by brand and shade, it is not exactly necessary ronnie

 

ronniehoward: um yes it is???

 

bettybop: ...anyway when are archie and jughead going to notice that we have been staring at our phones for five mins straight??

 

ronniehoward: about the same time they take a break from lovingly staring at each other 

 

edgelord: don't look now but cheryl is here

 

ronniehoward: WE BEEN KNEW

 

edgelord; ok......damn.....

 

edgelord: what course of action should we take

 

archangel: i say we enjoy our food like normal people smh

 

archangel: she doesnt even notice we're here

 

ronniehoward: you don't know that

 

archangel: um her back is facing us

 

bettybop: ...does anyone else see her shoulders shaking?? i think she's sniffling too

 

ronniehoward: omg

 

 edgelord: also she has a large strawberry milkshake and onion rings all to herself....a sign of a broken woman....or a hungry one idk

 

edgelord: but yeah she's definitely crying!

 

ronniehowards: wow 

 

ronniehoward: you know when your hanging out with a group of friends and all of a sudden something reminds you of a very dark aspect of your past that you tried so hard to block out so you literally start snot-crying into your versace ascot while your friends look at eachother awkwardly and try to figure out how to leave the situation without further upsetting your already fragile mental state? i feel like this is a situation similar to that 

 

archangel: um

 

bettybop: ?????????????????????????

 

edgelord: veronica are u okay

 

ronniehoward: just me? ok lol

 

ronniehoward: ANYWAY

 

ronniehoward: who is going to be the one to comfort the endlessly tormented?

 

bettybop: you babe

 

archangel: u

 

edgelord: youuuuu

 

ronniehoward: what hte fuck why

 

edgelord: majority vote wins!!!!! go talk to her

 

ronniehoward:...if miss cheryl decides to go psycho bitch on my ass and throw a strawberry milkshake on my iconic black givenchy dress, then i will murder each of you

 

ronniehoward:...except betty because because if anything happened to her i would kill all of you and then myself 

 

bettybop: :) 

 

ronniehoward: <3 <3 <3

 

archangel: LEAVE

 

ronniehoward: um ok damn

 

edgelord: let's all pray for Veronica Cecilia Lodge rn in this moment 

 

bettybop: [god please protect my girlfriend thx](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MqJyM6FgV_8)

 

archangel: LMAO

 

archangel: wait omfg

 

edglord: TAG URSELF IM CHERYL ALLOWING HERSELF TO BE HUGGED AND EMOTIONALLY COMFORTED BY VERONICA

 

archangel: IM VERONICA STROKING CHERYL HAIR AND SINGING TO HER IN SPANISH WHILE CHERYL SOBS INTO HER SHOULDER

 

bettybop: fuck.....i'm so emo.........MY GF IS SO SWEEEEEEEET

 

archangel: ok they're going to the bathroom i'll go get her a water

 

edgelord: k take my 5

 

archangel: k ily

 

ronniehoward: ok so cheryl is pretty upset rn so i'm going to do something EXTRA

 

 **ronniehoward** _has invited_ **cherylbombshell** _into the chat._

 **ronniehoward** _has changed the chat name to_ **Cheryl Blossom Support Squad**

 

edgelord: hi cheryl!!!!!

 

bettybop: <3 <3

 

archangel: welcome!!!!

 

cherylbombshell: hi, everyone 

 

cherylbombshell: i'm sorry that my composure left me tonight and resulting in me ruining your dinner...

 

bettybop: no!!!!!!!! never!!!!!!!!!! stop we love you!!!!!

 

archangel: cheryl i brought you water!!!!

 

archangel: veronica can you pls get it real quick 

 

cherylbombshell: thanks, archie :)

 

archangel: omg no problem 

 

edgelord: do you think you can tell us what happened? if not that's okay just focus on calming down

 

cherylbombshell: no, i can share

 

cherylbombshell: i assume you all know about my relationship with josie 

 

bettybop: yes

 

archangel: yes

 

edgelord: yeah

 

cherylbombshell: josie decided to end things, or at least i thought

 

cherylbombshell: after some digging, i learned that sierra mccoy found out about our relationship and ordered her to break up with me. i confronted her about this, but she isn't changing her mind no matter how much convincing i try.

 

ronniehoward: oh my god cheryl

 

ronniehoward: i'm so sorry

 

cherylbombshell: she was the one person that made me feel anything after jason died, but i guess it's all over now :)

 

archangel: oh my god...suddenly i hate my penis. i want to barge into the women's bathroom and hug the shit out of you

 

cherylbombshell: what's stopping you?

 

archangel: YOU'RE RIGHT FUCK IT

 

archangel: JUGHEAD BETTY LET US DIP

 

cherybombshell: thank you guys for comforting me despite the bullshit i put you through sometimes

 

bettybop: oh my god cheryl...don't think about that. we love you and want to help you

 

cherylbombshell: no, i'm serious

 

cherylbombshell: you were the ones who pulled me from the river and saved my life. i wouldn't be here if you guys had dismissed me as another queen b archetype...

 

edgelord: GROUPHUG

 

cherylbombshell: :)

 

ronniehoward: so what now?

 

archangel: i have my car cheryl i can totally drive you home!

 

cherylbombshell: no, my mom is home and i can't deal with her 

 

cherylbombshell: let's go to innuendo 

 

edgelord: cheryl, are you sure that a gay bar will help you?

 

cherylbombshell: no, but it'll distract me

 

ronniehoward: hmmm

 

ronniehoward: all in agreement that we go to innuendo say i

 

bettybop: i

 

archangel: i

 

edgelord: i

 

ronniehoward: majority rules. i'll have to make a few calls to ensure we'll be allowed in without ids, but it should be smooth sailing 

 

cherylblossom: let's go

 

_Saturday, 1: 09 AM_

edgelord: holy shit where's betty???

 

ronniehoward: wit me bee

 

edgelord: no she's not i literally see you and she's not fucking anywhere near you

 

ronniehoward:...wait i thogh we wee talking about betti whit

 

edgelord: betty white isn't here either!!!!!!!

 

edgelord: archie have you seen betty?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

 

archangel: al i see is these FITSTS conecting with ur JAW

 

edgelord: fuck

 

archangel: no jus kiddign sweatheart ily

 

archangel: i sew her at the bar wih cheryl

 

edgelord: okay i found her 

 

ronniehoward: damn ur so lam when ur dunkr

 

ronniehoward: wait i mean sobr

 

edgelord: well i'm sorry that i would rather be sober than be an intoxicated minor

 

edgelord: also i have to drive you all home and text your parent's that we're staying at archie's

 

archangel: my dad is so col

 

edgelord: ik mr andrews is an incredible man for putting up with us

 

ronniehoward: dos wnwyone just have roandom dreams sometimes??///? like onec i dream i was at the beach lving my besst life, wearing my treasuerd Versace One-Piece Swimsuit, ocassionally sipppping at a glass o Cristal, when all of a suden a san shark namd Big Titty emerges and ates my ass.....weird

 

ronniehoward: also hw com no oen is talkung abt the fact that kylie jener named her daghter stormi webster

 

edgelord: how come your words become more intelligible whenever you type about Rich People Things

 

ronniehoward: first off idk wha that wrod means and 2 idk

 

archangel: HELP BETTY IS HURT

 

edgelord: HOLY FUCK WHERE WHAT HAPPENED 

 

bettybop: m vagin a fell out 

 

cherylbombshell: no her vagina is intact i checked ;)

 

edgelord: VERONICA STOP CRYING CHERYL ISN'T BEING SERIOUS NO ONE IS STEALING BETTY AWAY FROM YOU

 

ronniehoward: but....Big Titty

 

archangel: whose big tiddy

 

ronniehoward: ass-ating sharkt 

 

edgelord: okay i think it's time we head home

 

bettybop: AW WHYYYYYYYWYWYWYYWYWYWYW

 

edgelord: because it's 1 am and if you have one more drink you will die of alcohol poisoning sweetheart

 

edgelord: cheryl help me get them to the car since ur the most sober one here except for me

 

cherybombshell: k

 

edgelord: okay we're going to mcdonalds to get you all some food

 

ronniehoward: LIT

 

archangel: :)

 

edgelord: what do you all want

 

bettybop: chicken nuggset with oreo mcflurrfy

 

edgelord: okay honey

 

cherylbombshell: i want nuggs too but w a coke

 

edgelord: k

 

archangel: burger

 

edgelord: okay do you want anything on it?? i'll get you a sprite

 

archangel:  uh………ingredients on my burger

 

ronniehoward: beetrroot?

 

ronniehoward: you want beetroot?

 

ronniehoward: u want fucking beet root?

 

archangel: ingredience 

 

edgelord: ...

 

edgelord: nvm everyone but cheryl and betty is getting straight black coffee with apple slices

 

ronniehoward: apple

 

edgelord: yes, veronica, apple

 

edgelord: archie do you have any alcohol at ur house

 

archangel: ya in the basebemt 

 

edgelord: ok great bc i need to get..........very drunk.......tonight

 

edgelord: btw why are we texting? i feel like we should be communicating via words and actual conversation??

 

bettybop: If I Open My Mouth They Will Come Out

 

edgelord: ok nvm let's text

 

edgelord: CHERYL STOP PLAYING DEEPTHROAT IT'S A VERY GOOD SONG BUT IDK ABOUT IT RN IN THIS SITUATION

 

ronniehoward: NO ISSA BOP LEAVE IT ON

 

edgelord: OK WE ARE AT ARCHIE;S HOUSE AND IF YOU MAKE A SINGLE NOISE WHILE ENTERING AND U WAKE MR ANDREWS I WILL FUCKING SLAUGHTER YOU ALL

 

archangel: sleepy

 

edgelord: these are some good nuggs!!!!!!!

 

cherylbombshell: Refreshing Coke

 

edgelord: shhhhhhhhhhh

 

edgelord: ok i'm leaving a water bottloe with some advil next to your sleeping places for when you all have hangovers tomorrow

 

edgelord: i'm going go be in the basement drinking vodka and malibu......goodnight i love you all!!!!

 

ronniehoward: gpodnight dad!!!

 

cherylbombshell: goodnight <3 <3 <3 i think i'm sober now

 

edgelord: great! goodnight

 

edglord: gn ily betty!

 

bettybop: Mouth 

 

edgelord: okay

 

archangel: goodnight

 

_Saturday , 8:19 AM_

 

edgelord: hEWWOO????

 

ronniehoward: oh my god.... shut the fuck up....you loud fucking rude ass bitch....some people are trying to sleep hon.....you fucking XD i'm so random!!!11!1 ass bitch.....fuck

 

edgelord: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT

 

archangel: juggie turn your brightness down it's too much

 

edgelord: fuck i'm so sorry sweetheart

 

edgelord: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT???????????????????

 

ronniehoward: tag urself i'm archie texting jughead to turn his brightness down even though they're in the same fuckihhg bed

 

bettybop: why am i so hungover?

 

edgelord: great now we're all hungover minors....

 

ronniehoward: wait how did u know i was hungover????

 

edgelord: you called my text "loud" veronica. text messages cannot be "loud"

 

ronniehoward: damn goood point

 

bettybop: i literally cannot remember anything past 6 last night????

 

archangel: and the last place we were at was pop's....

 

edgelord: so that means...

 

ronniehoward: either pop spiked our drinks with some "special sauce" or we somehow ended up at a party or something afterwards....

 

cherylbombshell: well, i'd be happy to tell you all about it :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! i hope you enjoyed the chapter!
> 
> so, i have an idea for which direction i want this fic to go in, but i realize it's quite a big step up and i want your thoughts about it before i make any decisions! this idea was inspired by "the hills have eyes" promo that is currently under some careful scrutiny and theorizing. so, i'm thinking about putting jughead/archie/betty/veronica in a polyamorous relationship. while i have no idea the context behind veronica and jughead's supposed kiss in the promo, it got me thinking. of course, it will take a few chapters to develop this properly in a way that handles sexuality and it's fluidity in an accurate fashion, but i like the idea.
> 
> comment what you think! if you like the idea, let me know! if you have some concerns, please let me know them in a respectful, constructive way and i will address them asap! if you enjoyed this chapter/the overall fic, please leave a kudo and review!
> 
> thank you!


	7. ~a blast from the past~ part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in this chapter i take u back to 2016/2017 (please stifle your scream of horror) and the start of beronica and jarche ft some jason blossom references and some sappiness ew (also there are mention of vore so if that offends you u should probs skip this chapter sorry)
> 
> ps this all kinda takes place around homecoming and therefore before we know who killed jason???? idk i just wanted to give u an idea of when this all takes place 
> 
> also sorry but this chapter is kind of short but not really??? the next one will be much longer and funnier i swear
> 
> anyway enjoy!

_October 9, 2016_

_You have created a chat._

_You have named the chat:_ **homecoming ideas!!!**

 _You have added:_ **edgelord, ronniehoward,** _and_ **archangel** _to the chat._

bettybop: hey everyone! as head of the party-planning committee, i have created a chat where you can contribute to homecoming by sharing any ideas or suggestions! you can also ask questions! (this chat is strictly for party-planning purposes. if any of you sin in my chat you will be blockt) _  
_

 

bettybop: so, any ideas?

 

edgelord: yeah i have one

 

bettybop: great! what is it?

 

edgelord: can homecoming be vore themed??

 

bettybop: no!!!!

 

ronniehoward: that's actually a really good idea??? i second that motion!!!

 

archangel: i uh

 

archangel: third it i think

 

bettybop: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 **edgelord** _has changed the chat name to:_ **VA (Vores Anonymous)**

 

bettybop: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

edglord: VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE

 

ronniehoward: VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE VORE

 

archangel: VOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVOREVORE

 

bettybop: ...

 

bettybop: i warned you and you didn't fucking listen

 

_You have deleted the chat._

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: hi uh sorry for impurifying ur chat :/

 

bettybop: first of all that isn't a word

 

bettybop: second of all it's fine :)

 

ronniehoward: oh ogay

 

ronniehoward: *okay cough cough 

 

ronniehoward: are u home from school yet?

 

bettybop: it's saturday veronica

 

ronniehoward:...jesus fucking christ are u serious 

 

bettybop: anyway, i'm at jughead's

 

ronniehoward: hahahaha great :)

 

bettybop: what's so funny lmao

 

ronniehoward: oh i'm watching the office and i laughed at something hahahhaha

 

ronniehoward: also have you ever wondered how jughead got his nickname?? did he have an abnormally large head as an infant ???? lmfao

 

bettybop: ?????

 

ronniehoward: UM 

 

ronniehoward: I GOTTA GAY

 

ronniehoward: *I GOTTA GO

 

 **ronniehoward** _is offline._

 

_~~~_

 

 _You have received from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: archie please meet me @ pop's i have to talk to you about something super important

 

archangel: i can't i'm about to go to football practice 

 

ronniehoward: i'll give u some dessert afterwards ;)

 

archangel: noah offence veronica but football is more important to me then ur dusty ass vagina

 

ronniehoward: UM THAT IS SO FUCKING RUDE

 

ronniehoward: YOU DIDN'T THINK MY VAGINA WAS DUSTY WHEN YOU WERE EATING IT FOR TWO HOURS YESTERDAY 

 

archangel: damn i'm just kidding what the fuck

 

archangel: and i really can't miss this practice ronnie

 

archangel: why can't you just text me what ur going to say??

 

ronniehoward: uhhhh because i'm pretty sure what i have to say falls under the category of subjects you need to discuss with a significant other while "in the same room" and "making eye contact"

 

archangel: well i can meet you on tuesday?

 

ronniehoward: no i need to tell u now!!!!!!!

 

archangel: then tell me now!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: but you'll get angry at me!!!!!

 

archangel: i swear i won't if anything if i'm upset it'll be my fault bc i pressured u to tell me despite ur warnings!!!!!!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: okay fine!!!!!!!!!

 

ronniehoward: are you sitting down

 

archangel: yes i am still in the locker room under the pretense of a family emergency so make it snappy 

 

ronniehoward: okay i'm just going to say it

 

ronniehoward: i only know two things

 

archangel:...what???

 

ronniehoward: winona ryder and carmen sandiego were the two women who helped me realize i was gay

 

ronniehoward: and i'm in love with betty cooper

 

archangel: oh

 

archangel: wow um i don't know what to say to that veronica

 

ronniehoward: are you mad?

 

archangel: i mean i'm confused a little hurt but i understand that you can't control who you love 

 

ronniehoward: okay watch out because i'm about to turn on the Proper Capitalization 

 

ronniehoward: I'm sorry, Archie. I've been trying to ignore how I've been feeling since the day I met Betty, and when I started dating you, I honestly believed that she would be the furthest thing from my mind. Obviously, that wasn't the case. I'm in love with her and I can't change that.

 

archangel: thanks for watching out for my feelings veronica but we've only been dating for a couple of months. i'm not heart broken beyond repair 

 

archangel: and though you were my best and most beautiful girlfriend, i hope you'll stay my best and most beautiful friend :)

 

ronniehoward: archie stop you're making me EMO

 

archangel: oh and one last thing

 

archangel: thank you for being honest with me

 

ronniehoward: of course archie :)

 

archangel: wow this has been the healthiest break-up text ever

 

ronniehoward: lmao ik right

 

ronniehoward: i'll leave you to your football, archiekins 

 

archangel: actually i think this is the best time to make a confession of my own

 

ronniehoward: wow okay what is it??

 

archangel: i'm betty 

 

ronniehoward: um explain???

 

archangel: in love with jughead jones 

 

ronniehoward: YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH JUGHEAD DFUKIKJJHGCFKNVKSXHCZILODIKJHCIKBVYUJVCTUJHYIKNVYUJXDKJBVLKBVUIKJ

 

 **ronniehoward** _has sent a video:_ **[oh-how-the-turntables ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cqwaP7h9a7g) **

 

ronniehoward: WHY IS IT FEELING MORE AND MORE LIKE WE'RE ON SOME LAME CW SHOW HFEWBFQWEF

 

archangel: we are meeting @ pop's to discuss this immediately................

 

ronniehoward: um don't you have football practice

 

archangel: oh i completely forgot!!!

 

archangel: i'll just tell coach clayton i have polio and go home !!!

 

archangel: see u in 15 ronnie !!!!

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIE WAIT IF YOU HAD POLIO YOU WOULD BE ACTUALLY DYING/PARALYZED AND IT WAS MOSTLY WIPED OUT WHEN A VACCINATION WAS INTRODUCED COMMERCIALLY IN 1961 SO THE CHANCES OF YOU HAVING IT ARE ALMOST A MILLION TO ONE PLEASE SAY YOU HAVE A MIGRAINE OR SOMETHING INSTEAD

 

 **archangel** _is offline._

 

ronniehoward: god fucking dammit  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is dedicated to HoboButterfly who keeps me motivated to continue working on this fic!!!
> 
> in the next chapter: archie and veronica devise a plan...........


	8. ~a blast from the past~ part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hello and welcome to the second edition of Gay Feelings and Love Confessions Over Text.......i wrote this entire chapter while watching spider-man: homecoming and the memes got pretty out of hand sorry
> 
> I HEAVILY SUGGEST U READ THIS ON YOUR COMPUTER PLS

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

ronniehoward: psssst......archie...............pssssssssssssssttttt

 

 

archangel: ??? what

 

 

ronniehoward: can you order me a chocolate milkshake and onion rings pls

 

 

archangel: why are u asking me

 

 

ronniehoward: umm because i have crippling anxiety that i hide very well but i do not like to interact with people unless absolutely necessary??? damn archie i thought u knew this

 

 

archangel: no i mean why are u texting me instead of just.....like.....idk talking to me like a normal fucking human

 

 

ronniehoward: damn first of all no need to be so fucking rude

 

 

ronniehoward: second of all....there are eyes and ears.....Everywhere.....we cannot risk them knowing.....

 

 

archangel: abt ur chocolate milkshake addiction?????????????? bc that isn't a secret ronnie

 

 

ronniehoward: jesus fucking christ...i mean about us being GAY for our respective STRAIGHT BEST FRIENDS

 

 

archangel: oooohh

 

 

archangel: yeah that makes sense actually

 

 

ronniehoward: great! now that we are on the same page let us devise a plan of attack

 

 

archangel: wait before we do that can i pls share a video that makes me laugh

 

 

ronniehoward: um okay

 

 

archangel: [hahahahahaha :)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yj5ec0pS1XI)

 

 

ronniehoward: ......

 

 

ronniehoward: was that a threat asdfghjuyt what the fuck did i do

 

 

archangel: no!!!! it's just that when i am nervous i share memes 

 

 

ronniehoward: ok same

 

 

archangel: anyway what were u thinking to do abt our situation???? 

 

 

ronniehoward: well, i was thinking that we could get our straight bffs to fall in love with us :)

 

 

archangel: damn ronnie that's kind of an oxymoron but im willing to see where u are going with this

 

 

ronniehoward: well i have already come up with a few....routes we can take :)

 

 

 ronniehoward: [read it and weap sweaty](https://docs.google.com/presentation/d/1wVJMFaZRSckBJdvmKk37HKCH3A_Uy2201g-CcNugJk8/edit?usp=sharing)

 

 

archangel: okay you made one slide with an incredibly mediocre plan and another with just u being EMOtional??????

 

 

ronniehoward: OMG IGNORE THAT I SENT THE WRONG SLIDE EW NVM

 

 

archangel: bitch are u okay

 

 

ronniehoward: yes hhahahahaha

 

 

ronniehoward: ANYWAY 

 

 

ronniehoward: what brilliant solution do u suggest archiekins?

 

 

archangel: um...we be upfront with our emotions and tell betty and jughead how we feel without plotting behind their back?? idk that's just a suggestion

 

 

ronniehoward: WHAT we can't do that !?!?!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!???!?!?!?!!

 

 

archangel: what can't we do veronica??? express our emotions in a healthy and honest way?????

 

 

ronniehoward: i don't know her!!!!!!!!

 

 

archangel: TELL HER HOW U FEEL BITCH

 

 

archangel: RIGHT NOW OVER TEXT RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW

 

 

ronniehoward: NO

 

 

archangel: DO IT OR I'LL SEND YOUR MOM THE VIDEO OF YOU CHUGGING AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF CRISTAL IN TWO GULPS

 

 

ronniehoward: what will you gain from it

 

 

archangel: u know what.......fuck this 

 

 

archangel: WE ARE CONFRONTING THIS HEAD ON

 

_You have created a chat:_

_You have invited:_ **bettybop** _and_ **ronniehoward**

 

archangel: please deal with your shit pleeeasssseeeeeeeeeee 

 

 

archangel: i'll be waiting in the car ronnie

 

_You have exited the chat._

 

ronniehoward: um

 

 

ronniehoward: hi betty

 

 

bettybop: hi veronica :)

 

 

ronniehoward: oh jesus fucking christ here we go

 

 

bettybop: what?!

 

 

ronniehoward: oh nothing hahhaha

 

 

bettybop: oh ok lmao

 

 

ronniehoward: listen b...i have to tell you a really personal problem

 

 

bettybop: oh! yeah you can tell me anything! ur my best friend!

 

 

ronniehoward: hahahahhahaha yeah we're besties :)

 

 

ronniehoward: but the thing is, the issue i have concerns you....actually you're the reason i have this problem

 

 

bettybop: oh

 

 

ronniehoward: i've just been feeling a certain way for a long time and i think you deserve to know

 

 

ronniehoward: i don't want you to feel cornered or angry or anything, because what i am about to say comes out of deep admiration and respect for you. if you want, we can never talk about this again after i tell you

 

 

bettybop: i know what this is about

 

 

ronniehoward: fuck...you do

 

 

bettybop: i'm sorry veronica, but i can't change the way i feel about you. i love you, i'm in love with you. i'd rather not be saying this over fucking text, but i understand that you want answers.

 

 

ronniehoward: yes and i completely understand if you never want to talk to me again and i will respect your decision 

 

 

ronniehoward: wait what

 

 

bettybop: i love you, veronica lodge

 

 

ronniehoward: no you don't 

 

 

ronniehoward: you're just saying that to make me feel better about my feelings about you. you don't need to lie to me betty

 

 

ronniehoward: i get that your with jughead and your straighter than reggie mantle and you don't need my gay ass mooning over you on top of everything going on in your life, so you don't need to fucking lie to me about your "love". i can't bear it, betty

 

 

bettybop: jesus christ

 

 

bettybop: v, jughead and i broke up WEEKS ago

 

 

ronniehoward: what

 

 

bettybop: we broke up mutually after i told him i was in love with YOU and he told me he was in love with uh.......someone else

 

 

ronniehoward: hold on i'm having a fucking aneurysm 

 

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIE and I broke up after i told him i was in love with YOU and he told me he was in love with JUGHEAD

 

 

bettybop: .....come to my house

 

 

ronniehoward: are you sure?

 

 

bettybop: my parents are gone for the week

 

 

ronniehoward: OH GOD IM COMING

 

 

bettybop: that's what you'll be screaming later if you play your cards right...

 

 

ronniehoward: I AM RUNNING 

 

~~~

 

 _You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIE

 

 

archangel: VERONICA I SAW YOU SPRINTING PAST MY CAR WHERE ARE U GOING ARE U OKAY??????????? HOW DID UR TALK WITH BETTY GO

 

 

ronniehoward: better, that i could have possibly  imagined......now please make no attempt to contact me again until next morning at lease

 

 

archangel: okay!!!! i'm impressed that you managed to type that while running at full fucking speed lmfao

 

 

ronniehoward: BYE

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> pls leave a comment if you liked this chapter
> 
> there will be a part three two this story line, but from archie and jughead's perspective ft Veronica the Matchmaker
> 
> thx for reading!!!!


	9. ~a blast from the past~ finale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: this chapter contains non explicit talk of sex, so if that makes you uncomfortable, please don't read 
> 
> THIS IS THE LAST PART OF THE GAY ORIGIN TRILOGY
> 
> also wow three chapters in one month??? sometimes i surprise even myself 
> 
> if you haven't read the last chapters (especially chapter 5 because i sort of revolved this entire trilogy around veronica matchmaking jarchie and the poison ivy she got on her ass as a result lmao) u should bc this one wouldn't make sense otherwise.....also who thinks that chic is FP's son? i personally think it's true but that would make bughead super weird because that would mean they share a sibling :/
> 
> oh and if you don't like jarchie at all u probs shouldn't read this chapter (of this story tbh)

_Sunday, October 10, 2017, 9:23 AM_

 

 _You have received a message from:_ **archangel**

 

archangel: hello! are u dead

 

 

ronniehoward: damn.....am i????.....bc i feel like i'm in heaven........

 

 

archangel: wow that's really gay!!!

 

 

archangel: i'm assuming your night went well then?

 

 

ronniehoward: i wrote a poem about my love for betty and i wrote all of it last night

 

 

archangel: omg please share!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: ok but if at any point you feel as if it is to deep or beautiful you have my permission to stop reading, i'll understand

 

 

archangel: of course

 

 

ronniehoward: ok here we go

 

 

ronniehoward: oh, betty

                       you make my palms so sweaty

                       you make super nice spaghetti 

                       i love you more than money

                       please never leave me honey

                       no amount of Gucci can compare

                       to the feel of your golden hair

                       oh, betty

                       i'll always be yo hoe fo sho

 

 

archangel: my god

 

 

archangel: im crying that was so beautiful

 

 

ronniehoward: i know i cried myself while writing it 

 

 

ronniehoward: anyway

 

 

ronniehoward: it was probably the best night of my life. as you might've suspected, we had sex but.....it feels wrong to just call it that. it felt so intimate and intense, but tbh i was so worried about how it would go down. im not a virgin, but i was still afraid that i would come to soon or i would be bad or i would disappoint her....but then i learned that she was a virgin and she was just as nervous as i was

 

 

ronniehoward: it wasn't smooth by any means. we would make funny sounds and we would giggle, and when i came my leg spasmed and i hit her in the head which made her laugh really hard but i didn't even notice. but it was perfect

 

 

archangel: okay im genuinely crying and i'm not even joking

 

 

archangel: that was so sweet 

 

 

ronniehoward: :)

 

 

archangel: where are u now?

 

 

ronniehoward: oh betty made us french toast and we're currently watching vine compilations on her laptop....i'm so happy......and gay........

 

 

archangel: wow i'm so EMOtional why can't a get me a love like that :/

 

 

ronniehoward: OMFG I COMPLETELY FORGOT

 

 

ronniehoward: i may have accidentally exposed your love for jughead to betty

 

 

archangel: oh

 

 

archangel: fuck

 

 

ronniehoward: IM SO SORRY it's just that the girl i loved just said she loved me back and i wasn't thinking and yeah

 

 

archangel: omg don't apologize it's honestly fine

 

 

archangel: listen ronnie i have football practice in an hour but i want u to know that im so happy for u and i hope u and betty become girlfriends soon :)

 

 

ronniehoward: omg......i'm so emo thx so much archiekins 

 

 

archangel: of course v

 

 **archangel** _is offline._  

 

~~~

 

 _You have sent a message to:_ **bettybop**

 

ronniehoward: hi so you know how you love me

 

 

bettybop: yes :)

 

 

ronniehoward: and you know how you would do anything for me no matter how outlandish and ridiculous it seems???

 

 

bettybop: .....no :/

 

 

ronniehoward: damn

 

 

bettybop: it depends....what do you want me to do?

 

 

ronniehoward: ummm why do you assume i want you to do something???

 

 

bettybop: veronica

 

 

ronniehoward: okay fuck 

 

 

ronniehoward: can you get me a pair of walkie talkies?

 

 

bettybop: oh thank jesus i thought you were gonna ask me run away with you are something

 

 

ronniehoward:...would you?

 

 

bettybop: STOP THIS IS GETTING TOO DEEP

 

 

bettybop: why do you want walkie talkies????

 

 

ronniehoward: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh imaywanttosetjugheadupwitharchiebecauseheisheadoverheelsinlovewithhimandhesthereasonihadthecouragetotellyouiloveyou hahhaha

 

 

bettybop: uh why would jughead be in love with archie???

 

 

ronniehoward: are you saying jughead isn't in love with archie???

 

 

bettybop: i genuinely don't know...when i told him i was in love with you he mentioned he was in love with someone else as well....but he didn't say who

 

 

ronniehoward: wow and i thought you were some kind of master manipulator who could get information out of anybody :/

 

 

bettybop: you're mean :(

 

 

ronniehoward: we been knew

 

 

bettybop: anyway that doesn't explain why you would need walkie talkies??? i don't even know where to get those 

 

 

ronniehoward: all will become clear soon my child...

 

 

bettybop: okay you are like a month older than me stop acting like my mother

 

 

bettybop: and yes

 

 

ronniehoward: ?

 

 

bettybop: i would leave riverdale, if you asked me to

 

 

ronniehoward: ....first of all, fukc that makes me so EMOtional and i love you so much

 

 

ronniehoward: and second of all, i need you to do something else for me

 

 

bettybop: ugh what

 

 

ronniehoward: talk to jughead.....say how HAPPY archie is with me and how much HE LOVES ME.....send me screenshots of his reaction....i will analyze them through my Gayinator 2000 (aka my eyes) and determine ONCE AND FOR ALL the jughead jones is in love with archie

 

 

bettybop: fine

 

 

bettybop: but you'll have to get the walkie talkies

 

 

ronniehoward: hmm

 

 

ronniehoward: it's a pleasure doing business with you, ms. cooper ;)

 

 

bettybop: you're so annoying

 

**bettbop** _has left the conversation._

ronniehoward: fuckckc

 

~~~

 

_You have received a message from:_ **bettybop**

 

bettybop: jughead...i'm sad :(

 

 

edgelord: yes, i know

 

 

bettybop: haha.....how could you? hahaha

 

 

edgelord: idk maybe its because you have clinically diagnosed depression/anxiety???

 

 

edgelord: also i'm going to steer right past your forced uses of "haha" and assume you aren't hiding something from me

 

 

bettybop: hahahahahahahahaha :)

 

 

edgelord: so what's up?

 

 

bettybop: what do u mean?

 

 

edgelord: you said you were sad about something??

 

 

bettybop: oh yeah so i went to veronica's house to hang out and i opened the door and guess what i saw??

 

 

edgelord: your mom and hermione lodge doing the dooooooo

 

 

bettybop: no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ew jesus fuck i have it in my head now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

edgelord: lmao

 

 

edgelord: but for real through what did you see

 

 

bettybop: veronica and archie making out :(

 

 

edglelord: Oh.

 

 

bettybop: they didn't notice that i was standing in the doorway until i cleared my throat 3 MINUTES LATER

 

 

edgelord: well, are you sure they were making out?

 

 

bettybop: archie's tongue was literally down her throat! i know what making out is forsythe!!!

 

 

edgelord: damn

 

 

edgelord: i mean, i get were you're coming from?? even if you weren't obsessively pining over veronica, it's still pretty fucking annoying that they are literally attached at the hip all the time

 

 

bettybop: yeah!

 

 

bettybop: but that wasn't even the worse part

 

 

edgelord: what could've possibly been worse than that?

 

 

bettybop: the whole time i was there archie made these eyes at veronica...like she was It for him. like she was the only person that could ever make him so happy in life....it was her. and she looked at him the same way

 

 

bettybop: jug you haven't answered your phone in like 10 minutes? are you dead????

 

 

edgelord: y'know when you have sleep paralysis and you literally can't move and there's this sense of dread just filling your entire body and you feel as if you can't breathe?? that's what i'm feeling right now

 

 

bettybop: jesus are you okay???? what the fuck happened????

 

 

edgelord: no off topic questions

 

 

bettybop: i'm so confused

 

 

bettybop: seriously where did you go??

 

 

edgelord: oh i just went to pop's to work on my story

 

 

bettybop: hmm that's funny because i've been at pops for 20 minutes and i haven't seen you

 

 

edgelord: NO OFF TOPIC QUESTIONS 

 

 

bettybop: ??? it's not off topic i asked you a legitimate fucking question and you quoted that goddamn chris christie vine at me 

 

 

edgelord: it's my defense mechanism okay?? i'm sorry

 

 

bettybop: why....what are you so scared of??

 

 

edgelord: haha betty you wild card anyway i have to go 

 

 

bettybop: :/

 

 

edgelord: why are you making that face at me

 

 

bettybop:  **:/**

 

 

**edgelord** _has left the conversation._

 

bettybop: gotcha bitch

 

~~~

 

_You have received a message from:_ **bettybop**

 

bettybop: I GOT SCREENSHOTS

 

 

ronniehoward: AND I GOT SOME FUCKING WALKIE TALKIES BITCHES

 

 

ronniehoward: SEND THEM TO ME

 

**bettybop** _has sent an image:_ **receipts-1.jpg**

  **bettybop** _has sent an image:_ **receipts-2. jpg**

**bettybop** _has sent an image:_ ****receipts-3.jpg** **

**bettybop** _has sent an image:_ ****receipts-4.jpg** **

 

ronniehoward: you done gone, b

 

 

bettybop: :)

 

 

ronniehoward: now lemme run these screenshots through my Gayinator 2000..................

 

 

bettybop: you mean your eyes

 

 

ronniehoward: um did i fucking stutter

 

 

ronniehoward: the results are in! jughead is..........

 

 

ronniehoward: exactly 99.9% in love with archibald fredrick andrews!!!!!

 

 

bettybop: wow the wonders of modern technology !!!1!1!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: technology didn't have to tell me that honey ;0

 

 

bettybop: so what is you're big master plan? you're killing me with the suspense v

 

 

ronniehoward: omg that reminds me!!!!

 

 

~~~

 

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: listen and listen fucking carefully. what i am about to give you are instructions that have been meticulously crafted to ensure success. if you fuck even one thing up, the plan will be fucked up by extension and i will kill you in every way i know you fear. 

 

 

archangel: ok i'm going to casually ignore the threat made upon my life and instead ask what the fuck kinda plan is that important???

 

 

archangel: do u even know what "meticulous" means???

 

 

ronniehoward: shut the fuck up and listen 

 

 

ronniehoward: follow these steps in the exact order they're in:

                        1. you will find a Georgio Armani suit in the trunk of your car. wear it

                        2. drive to pop's and say you are picking up an order for lodge. pop tate will know what you are talking about and hand you a bag full of food and a tray

                            containing two (2) strawberry milkshakes

                        3. go to the border between riverdale and greendale. there you will find a bag with a walkie talkie inside. i have the other one and will be using it to 

                            communicate with you

                        4. go to the center of the park where you will find a romantic picnic setup. lay out the food and milkshakes.

                        5. tell jughead to meet you there. if he says he can't, tell him you're hurt and he'll come running. i promise he'll thank you later

                        6. don't fuck it up

                     

 

archangel:...thanks, v

 

 

ronniehoward: go get your mans archiekins ;)

 

~~~

 

_October 11, 2017, 1: 12 AM_

 

 _You have received a message from:_   **ronniehoward**

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIBALD FREDRICK ANDREWS YOU BETTER BE AT MY DOOR IN 5 MINUTES WITH CORTISONE CREAM

 

 

ronniehoward: I UNKNOWINGLY HID ABOVE A PATCH OF POISON IVY AND NOW MY ENTIRE ASS IS ITCHY AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT YOU GINGER PIECE OF SHIT

 

 

ronniehoward: I WILL NEVER WALKIE TALKIE WITH YOU BEHIND A BUSH AS PART OF AN ELABORATE GAY SCHEME EVER AGAIN IF MEANS I END UP WITH A POISON IVY ASS. BIG TIDDY WILL NEVER EAT MY ASS AGAIN

 

 

ronniehoward: forget that last text hahaha

 

 

ronniehoward: JUST BRING THE CREAM

 


	10. april fools motherfricker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi who's ready for some april fools bullshit and some fucking choooooniiiiii
> 
> warning: this chapter features semi-explicit details of sex

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

ronniehoward: psssst.......jughead......psst

 

 

edgelord: yes dear i am right here

 

 

ronniehoward: i need you to do something super important for me

 

 

edgelord: if you are going to ask me to become a pawn in your criminal father's game, then i must politely but firmly decline 

 

 

ronniehoward: first of all, fuck you rude ass bitch at least my dad isn't a murder accomplice 

 

 

edgelord: do you know that for sure?

 

 

ronniehoward: SECOND OF ALL

 

 

ronniehoward: it has something to do with me playing a good old april's fool prank on archie :)

 

 

edgelord: i'm listening....

 

 

ronniehoward: i need you to go into the group chat and make archie say the phrase "sweet niblets"

 

 

edgelord: why on god's green earth would i ever subject myself and the people i love to archie's obsession with robby ray stewart aka billy ray cyrus 

 

 

ronniehoward: because i need you to

 

 

edgelord: ok but what is the....prank.....aspect of it

 

 

ronniehoward: oh lmao i took archie's phone while he was in football practice and did something that whenever he said "sweet niblets" it would automatically auto-correct to a long ass star wars quote 

 

 

edgelord: GENIUS LETS DO IT

 

 

 _You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

edgelord: hello everyone 

 

 

bettybop: happy easter jughead!!!!

 

 

cherylbombshell: there is no god

 

 

egdelord: wow i forgot we invited this ray of sunshine into our groupchat !

 

 

cherylbombshell: ;)

 

 

archangel: hi jug

 

 

edgelord: oh hi archie

 

 

edgelord: hey does anyone want to play a game??

 

 

bettybop: i do!!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: not you fuck you

 

 

bettybop: jesus fucking christ

 

 

edgelord; this is a special archie game that only he can win at!!!!

 

 

edgelord: all i need you to do is finish some iconic hannah montana quotes

 

 

archangel: omg.....my time has finally come...

 

 

bettybop: wow i didn't know finishing quotes were exclusive to archie andrews.....

 

 

ronniehoward: you're annoying shut the fuck up

 

 

bettybop: how about you shut the fuck up you skank ass bitch

 

 

cherylbombshell: never have i ever envisioned that betty would say something like that

 

 

cherylbombshell: also relationship goals!!!!1!!!!

 

 

edgelord: ANYWAY

 

 

edgelord: are you ready arch?

 

 

archangel: yes!

 

 

edgelord: here we go!

 

 

edgelord: "s____ n______!"

 

 

archangel: Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

 

 

archangel: ??!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

 

 

archangel: i meant Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

 

 

archangel: WHO THE FUCK CHANGED MY PHONE I DONT WANT TO QUOTE REVENGE OF THE SITH I WANT TO SAY Did you ever hear the tragedy of Darth Plagueis The Wise? I thought not. It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you. It’s a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life… He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared about from dying. The dark side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be unnatural. He became so powerful… the only thing he was afraid of was losing his power, which eventually, of course, he did. Unfortunately, he taught his apprentice everything he knew, then his apprentice killed him in his sleep. Ironic. He could save others from death, but not himself.

 

 

cherylbombshell: IM CACKICLING

 

 

ronniehoward: GJVHEDNBHJNBEHDJSMNHJKMNSHWJNDBEHJDHEYUFRGH

 

 

bettybop: GOD IS REAL AND SAVES DAILY

 

 

archangel: JUGHEAD CONSIDER YOUR DICK BANISHED TO THE SHADOW RELAM

 

 

edgelord: NO I WANT TO TAKE THIS WHOLE DAY BACK

 

 

 ronniehoward: archie please do not subject your boyfriend's dick the the Shadow Realm ok it was my idea

 

 

archangel: bhfbhrbfqb WHY

 

 

ronniehoward: cause its funny

 

 

cherylbombshell: I DONT THINK YOU UNDERSTAND I AM LITERALLY PEEING MYSELF SEND HELP

 

 

bettybop: oh my god it's april fools day isn't it

 

 

ronniehoward: BITCH YOU GUESSED IT

 

 

cherylbombshell: wait you guys i have something to tell all of you

 

 

archangel: omg what cheryl?

 

 

cherylbombshell: i'm gay

 

 

ronniehoward: we know

 

 

bettybop: yeah we know

 

 

archangel: that isn't much of a surprise :/

 

 

edgelord: we know sweetheart

 

 

cherylbombshell: ?????????? what gave it away ?????????

 

 

ronniehoward: well first of all you say "i'm gay" at random intervals throughout every day???

 

 

bettybop: you inhale hayley kiyoko music

 

 

edgelord: oh and let's not forget you dated josie mccoy, a member of your own sex???

 

 

cherylbombshell: well i'm gay

 

 

ronniehoward: if there any particular girl that has caught your eye recently 

 

 

cherylbombshell: yes actually!!

 

 

ronniehoward: omg who??

 

 

cherylbombshell: betty

 

 

bettybop: what

 

 

ronniehoward: si estás hablando en serio te arrancaré, la lengua de la boca y literalmente la comeré para la cena perra :)

 

 

cherylbombshell: idk what you just said but i'm pretty sure that's it a threat upon my person

 

 

archangel: NO VIOLENCE IT IS EASTER

 

 

edgelord: i am an atheist 

 

 

bettybop: wow it's almost like no on asked???

 

 

edgelord: shut the fuck up

 

 

archange: EVERYONE IS BEING SO MEAN TO EACH OTHER PLEASE STOP 

 

 

ronniehoward: no

 

 

cherylbombshell: i know what will dissolve this thick tension between all of us!!

 

 

edgelord: what

 

 

cherylbombshell: a good old game of truth or dare :) jughead you're first

 

 

edgelord: what i didn't sign up for this

 

 

bettybop: yeah this sounds like a bad idea

 

 

ronniehoward: omg it's a stupid middle school game it's not like someone's gonna confess to murder or something 

 

 

archangel: this could be fun!!

 

 

edgelord: ...fine

 

 

cherylbombshell: truth or dare ?

 

 

edgelord: i am going to very cautiously choose................truth

 

 

cherylbombshell: have you ever gotten aroused while watching archie play football?

 

 

archangel: asdjjnbeyudjnegdbfendks

 

 

ronniehoward: LMAOO

 

 

bettybop: i'm a christian stop this immediately!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: you didn't speak like a christian when i was in between your thighs last night :/

 

 

bettybop: STOP

 

 

cherylbombshell: so, jughead?

 

 

edgelord: [uhhhh that's an off topic question](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA8LjcpjjKQ)

 

 

cherylbombshell: listen, if everyone plays accordingly i will treat you all to free burgers and milkshakes at pop's

 

 

ronniehoward: JUGHEAD ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION

 

 

edgelord:......................yes.............................

 

 

archangel: awwwwww juggie :)

 

 

bettybop: wait have you ever had sex while archie was in his football gear???\

 

 

cherylblossom: *sips chamomile tea*

 

 

edgelord: NO

 

 

ronniehoward: hmmmm i smell bullshit

 

 

archangel: well we never had premeditated sex involving my gear, but once we had sex in the locker room after a game

 

 

archangel: if jughead seemed even more enthusiastic than usual, then i didn't say anything ¯\\_( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯

 

 

edgelord: um what are you talking about??? sex hahaha never heard of her lmaoooooo

 

 

ronniehoward: me

 

 

bettybop: [are you sure about that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_4068643225&feature=iv&src_vid=oHC1230OpOg&v=BLikP6BDH5w)

 

 

ronniehoward: yes

 

 

edgelord: EXCUSE ME miss cheryl does this mean that i get to ask you truth or dare now ?

 

 

cherylbombshell: yes, but don't hurt yourself think about a riveting dare or question. i will do whatever you ask me to do

 

 

edgelord: :)

 

 

edgelord: truth or dare

 

 

cherylbombshell: dare 

 

 

edgelord: i dare you to tell toni that you're in love with her

 

**cherylbombshell** _has left the conversation._

 

edgelord: GJGYUJDGJSGSUNSWSDXHEDJNCH

 

 

bettybop: NO COME BACK

 

 

ronniehoward: she can't hear you sweetheart

 

 

bettybop: BUT I WANT HER TO COME BACK

 

 

archangel: wait...........

 

 

edgelord: what

 

 

archangel: cheryl's in love with toni??? i thought she still loved josie???? what's going on?????????

 

 

ronniehoward: ohhhh my god archie you are the most oblivious person on planet earth

 

 

bettybop: they kissed when she saved cheryl from the sisters!!!!!

 

 

archangel: wow i don't even want to ask :/

 

 

edgelord: anyway i hope i pushed her in the right direction

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah its too bad she ran out of the gc like a lil bitch :'(

 

 

bettybop: hey v??

 

 

ronniehoward; yes darling?

 

 

bettybop: remember the first time we had sex you came within .27374 seconds of me touching your clit?

 

**ronniehoward** _has left the conversation._

 

archangel: vftyujbvcftjbcdyujnbvcfjftyjbcfjcyuikvcdtuikjvcfuj

 

 

edgelord: AS THE YOUNG KIDS SAY, YOU JUST SNATCHED HER WIG

 

 

archangel: WHY DID YOU EXPOSE HER LIKE THAT

 

 

bettybop: she was hating on my girl cheryl???

 

 

bettybop: anyway are you guys auditioning for carrie the musical? i think i am

 

 

edgelord: ...never change, betty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all so next chapter i'm planning on focusing around the musical episode of riverdale....ik i've deviated A LOT from the actual show but i'm planning to start being more true to it after a few chapters, just give me some patience :)
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!


	11. riverdale™: the musical

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all 
> 
> so here's a note before you read this chapter: i will be very closely following the events of last week's episode, including the black hood's threats and *spoiler alert* midge klump's death. the only thing that will deviate will be, of course, jarchie and beronica. ik i haven't been sticking too much to canon so far, but i really enjoyed this episode and i thought this would be as good a time as any to start focusing on the actual storyline lol. this doesn't mean i will stop the shitposting memes or the references to Iconic Vines, but yeah i just thought y'all should know to avoid some confusion.
> 
> anyway i'm rambling now please enjoy!!!!!!!
> 
> wait shit one more thing....
> 
> here's a list of the new usernames bc i am introducing a FUCKLOAD of characters lmfao
> 
> muggsbuggs: ethel muggs
> 
> turtlenecksandtea: midge klump
> 
> thekevinthwonder: kevin keller
> 
> cclayton: chuck clayton
> 
> misstopaz: toni topaz

_You have created a group chat:_ **The Carrie Squad**

 _You have invited:_ **archangel, ronniehoward, bettybop, edgelord, cherylbombshell, cclayton, turtlenecksandtea, buggsmuggs, misstopaz,** _and_ **moose_m** _to join the conversation._

 

thekevinthwonder: Hello everyone and welcome to the official group chat of Carrie: The Musical! I consider it my directorial obligation to give you guys an easy way to ask me or your fellow cast mates questions or offer a few suggestions, hence the creation of this chat. THIS WILL BE A JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE!!!-Kevin Keller, Director

 

 

buggsmuggs: Yay!!!!! so excited :)

 

 

cclayton: looking foward to working with ya'll

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah yeah can we please skip the pleasantries and cut forward to someone telling jughead what carrie the musical is about??

 

 

thekevinthwonder: you've...you've never seen carrie? 

 

 

edgelord: i have it's just been so long since i've seen it that i barely remember anything lmao

 

 

archangel: hey can someone bring girl scout cookies to practice tomorrow bc i've run out and i need some thx

 

 

thekevinthwonder: SHUT UP ARCHIE YOU'RE BOYFRIEND DOESN'T KNOW WHAT CARRIE THE MUSICAL IS ABOUT

 

 

archangel: um first of all it's YOUR second of all you're rude and third of all I THOUGHT THIS WAS A JUDGEMENT FREE ZONE 

 

 

thekevinthwonder: are you giving me grammar lessons archie andrews?? if i recall correctly you once sent me a text at 3 AM that said, and i quote, "hey y'know that momnt in hannah montana movie when she snatcheded her wug infront of whole country town city thing uring concert??? weird....." you were sober

 

 

archangel: screenshots or it didn't happen

 

 **thekevinthwonder** _has sent an image: **?????.jpg**_

 

misstopaz: oh wow

 

 

thekevinthwonder: i frantically texted jughead to translate the text because i didn't know what you were saying and i couldn't sleep

 

 

edgelord: babe your awful misspelling and grammar literally kept kevin awake at night

 

 

egdelord: also this doesn't tell me what carrie is about

 

 

thekevinthwonder: allow me, jughead, to educate you

 

 

thekevinthwonder:  Shy, unpopular, and bullied 16-year-old high school student Carrie White experiences her first period as she showers with her fellow female classmates after gym class. Unaware of what is happening to her, she panics and desperately pleads for help, believing she is bleeding to death. The other girls, led by the arrogant, popular and beautiful student Christine “Chris” Hargensen who frequently bullies Carrie, gleefully respond to this by pelting her with tampons, laughing and chanting "Plug it up! Plug it up!" Gym teacher Miss Collins breaks up the commotion and slaps Carrie in the face in an attempt to calm her down. A light bulb mysteriously breaks as Carrie reaches the height of her panic. Miss Collins manages to console Carrie and tell her what menstruation is.

Later, the school principal seems uncomfortable as Miss Collins expresses bewilderment that Carrie is so uninformed about menstruation. As he dismisses Carrie from school for the afternoon, she becomes frustrated at both cigarette smoke emanating from an ashtray, and the principal repeatedly referring to her by the name "Cassie", causing the ashtray to flip from his desk and shatter. On her way home, a young boy teases Carrie, and she makes him fall off his bicycle simply by glaring at him. At home, Carrie is abused by her fanatically religious mother, Margaret, who rants about menstruation being the result of sinful thoughts. Carrie is dragged and locked in a small specially decorated “prayer closet” and forced to pray for forgiveness. When she is finally allowed to return to her room, she gazes into her reflection, causing the mirror to shatter.

Carrie's classmate Sue feels guilty for participating in the locker-room antics, so she asks her handsome and popular boyfriend, Tommy, to invite Carrie to the upcoming prom in her place to atone for her cruelty. Carrie is reluctant, but Miss Collins convinces her to accept Tommy's invitation. During Collins’ after-school detention, Chris furiously throws a tantrum and defiantly skips her detention for tormenting Carrie. Miss Collins responds by violently shaking Chris and slapping her in the face, then informing her she is suspended from school and banned from the prom. Swearing vengeance, Chris recruits her delinquent boyfriend Billy to play a prank on Carrie: they slaughter pigs from a nearby farm and place a bucket of their blood above the stage at the school’s gymnasium, where Chris plans to dump it on Carrie at the prom.

Margaret discovers Carrie's prom plans and attempts to abuse her again. Having researched her telekinesis, Carrie asserts her power and defies her mother, flinging her away simply by yelling at her. Margaret responds by accusing Carrie of being a satanic witch.

At the prom, Carrie finds acceptance among her peers and shares a kiss with Tommy. Chris's friend Norma rigs the election and Carrie is crowned prom queen. Carrie’s joy is cut short when Chris pulls a rope to dump the pigs' blood on her. Chris and Billy escape through a back door, while the bucket falls on Tommy's head, knocking him unconscious. The blood-soaked Carrie hallucinates that everyone in the gymnasium, including Miss Collins, is laughing at her and soon unleashes telekinetic fury upon the crowd, guilty and innocent alike. The doors slam shut, a high-pressure water hose assaults faculty members and students (including Norma, who is knocked unconscious), the principal is electrocuted, and Miss Collins is crushed to death. As the gym catches fire, Carrie calmly walks out and locks the remaining students inside with her powers. Chris and Billy attempt to run over Carrie as she walks home, but Carrie causes their car to flip and explode, killing them both by burning them alive.

At home, Carrie is comforted by her mother, who strokes her daughter's hair as she tenderly comforts her in her arms. She reveals her guilt about having conceived Carrie through her only act of sexual intercourse with Carrie's drunken father, a marital rape that she had both loathed and enjoyed. As they pray together, Margaret stabs her daughter in the back and pursues her through the house with a delirious smile on her face. Defending herself, Carrie telekinetically causes kitchen utensils to fly through the air and crucify Margaret. Distraught over her mother's death, Carrie loses control of her powers and causes the house to crumble and burn down with Carrie and her mother still inside, leaving them both dead.

Sometime after Carrie’s death, Sue, the sole survivor of the prom massacre, is seen laying flowers on the charred remains of Carrie's home next to a "for sale" sign vandalized to read "Carrie White burns in Hell!". A bloody arm reaches from the rubble and grabs Sue, causing her to awaken from this recurring nightmare, screaming.

 

 

edgelord: you.....you could've just send me the link you fukcing asshole

 

 

thekevinthwonder: hey copy and pasting that entire wikipedia plot summary took hard work

 

 

buggsmuggs: Jughead, I can recall at least 6 occasions when you reference Carrie......??????????

 

 

edgelord: oh yeah don't tell anyone but i'm actually a fake pop culture expert

 

 **bettybop** _has taken a screenshot of the conversation._

 

 

bettybop: hmmm...a nice addition to my receipts collection

 

 

edgelord: pleasee pleae dont sjare that wth anyne i beg u

 

 

bettybop: only if you cross me 

 

 

ronniehoward: i see i've taught my pupil well :)

 

 

bettybop: ;)

 

_Sunday, 2:54 PM_

 

thekevinthwonder: hi this chat has only been alive for a brief 20 mins and it's already dead??

 

 

archangel: i'm having sex

 

 

thekevinthwonder: .....as you're typing this??

 

 

archangel: yes

 

 **thekevinthwonder** _has blocked_ **archangel** _from entering the conversation._

 

thekevinthwonder: anyway

 

 

thekevinthwonder: does anyone have any thoughts, questions, or concerns?

 

 

bettybop: yes do i absolutely have to perform romance scenes with....archie......andrews......

 

 

thekevinthwonder: well, you are each other's love interests so yes!

 

 

thekevinthwonder: anyone else?

 

 

edgelord: wait...so....archie....has a love interest

 

 

thekevinthwonder: yes

 

 

thekevinthwonder: wait why are you texting i thought you were......doing the nasty with the captain of the football team???

 

 

edgelord: yeah i think you'll find i'm quite talented at texting while in compromising positions 

 

 

thekevinthwonder: I REGRET EVER CREATING THIS GROUP CHAT HELP ME

 

 

cclayton: when does play rehearsal start tomorrow?

 

 

thekevinthwonder: oh thank chirst

 

 

thekevinthwonder: 3:00 sharp, chuck :)

 

 

cclayton: ok thanks

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: has anyone seen moose? he has suddenly disappeared....????

 

 

ronniehoward: yes...i did sense a lack of closeted bisexuality in this chat....

 

 

moose_m: i am in fact, straight 

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: MOOSE THANK GOD

 

 

edgelord: hey kev can you please add my bf back into the chat

 

 

thekevinthwonder: tell archie that i will unblock him as soon as he swears to never be inappropriate in this gc ever again

 

 

edgelord: he swears pls let him back in

 

 

 **thekevinthwonder** _has unblocked_ **archangel** _from entering the conversation._

 

archangel: thx kevin

 

 

archangel: anyway who's bringing in the girl scout cookies 

 

 

ronniehoward: ugh i will

 

 

archangel: yay!!!!

 

_Monday, 6:09 PM_

 

thekevinthwonder: what a great rehearsal we had today guys!! i just have a few notes concerning blocking, lines, inappropriate fits of homosexuality, etc: 

jughead-upon reviewing your documentary footage, i have noticed that you have a tendency to zoom in on archie's face (and ONLY archie's face) whenever he is onstage. please don't do that

veronica-your portrayal of chris hargensen is iconic and goes beyond my expectations, but i don't remember seeing chris interrupting a scene to make out with sue snell in any carrie adaptations i have read/seen. please stop doing that

archie-work on your dancing 

 

 

archangel: my dancing is amazing 

 

 

ronniehoward: hey it's not my fault betty is absolutely irresistible while singing "do me favor"?????

 

 

bettybop: ily <3

 

 

edgelord: and it's not my fault my camera can't resist archie andrews' chiseled jawline!

 

 

thekevinthwonder: i have never realized the messiness of the lgbtq+ community until i have met you four 

 

 

buggsmuggs: do you have any notes for me?

 

 

thekevinthwonder: oh um no ethel

 

 

thekevinthwonder: btw everyone please treat cheryl extra nicely tomorrow!!!!! and don't bring up the sandbag incident pls unless it is to console her

 

 

misstopaz: don't worry, i consoled the fuck outta her

 

 

misstopaz: keyword-"fuck"

 

 

thekevinthwonder: STOP

 

 

bettybop: i'm actually really concerned?? i can't help but feel like someone is out to hurt her...

 

 

thekevinthwonder: no who the hell would be out to sabotage a high school theater production???? lmao

 

 

edgelord: ....?

 

 

thekevinthwonder: oh yeah jughead can you please meet me at he school i need some help with um something?

 

 

egdelord: oh um sure

 

 

archangel: please don't cheat on me 

 

 

edgelord: i can't make any promises ;)

 

 

 **edgelord** _and_ **thekevinthwonder** _have left the conversation._

 

bettybop: soo...ethel

 

 

muggsbuggs: yes, betty?

 

 

bettybop: what do you think of cheryl blossom? is there are...bitterness? between the two of you?

 

 

muggsbuggs: cheryl and I have never exchanged a word. why would i feel any bitterness towards her?

 

 

bettybop: well, she did steal the role of carrie from you

 

 

muggsbuggs: no, she didn't

 

 

muggsbuggs: why are you talking about this all of a sudden?

 

 

ronniehoward: cariño, please calm down

 

 

muggsbuggs: what does that mean, veronica?! is "cariño" spanish for bitch? did you call me a bitch veronica?

 

 

misstopaz: *sips tea*

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: *graps popcorn*

 

 

ronniehoward: no....cariño is a pet name that i use for betty....i wasn't talking to you??

 

 

muggsbuggs: just leave me alone, both of you

 

 

 **muggsbuggs** _has left the conversation._

 

 

bettybop: hmm....interesting

 

 

~~~

 

 _You have received a message from_ **ronniehoward**

 

 

ronniehoward: do you want to explain to me why you interrogated ethel like she committed a murder??

 

 

bettybop: why are you defending her? you literally have no reason to lmfao

 

 

ronniehoward: i am not!!!?? ever since she threw a strawberry milkshake on me and ruined my flawlessly set Georgio Armani Luminous Silk Foundation, i've had no reason to ever act nice to her, nevertheless defend her?? what has gotten into you?

 

 

bettybop: ugh i'm sorry v i'm just scared for cheryl...i just want to figure out who tried to hurt her

 

 

ronniehoward: me too cariño, but i know a way to calm you down....

 

 

bettybop: ???

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm picking you up in 10, and we're gonna spend all night at lover's lane

 

 

bettybop: OH

 

 

~~~

 

 

_Tuesday, 5: 57 AM_

 

 _You have received a message from_ **edgelord**

edgelord: archie you will never guess what kevin showed me yesterday

 

 

archangel: it better be damn important if you're costing me 3 minutes of sleep

 

 

edgelord: he got a letter from the black hood 

 

 

archangel: oh my god

 

 

archangel: what did it say?

 

 

edgelord: i don't remember it word for word, but it was written in magazine cut-outs and basically threaten kevin if he didn't replace cheryl in the musical

 

 

archangel: it has to be a fraud...sheriff keller killed the black hood

 

 

edgelord: i don't know i just.....i don't know

 

 

archangel: we'll talk about this later

 

 

archangel: btw my dad wants you over for dinner tonight

 

 

edgelord: is he making pulled pork sandwiches?

 

 

archangel: yes

 

 

edgelord: YES i'll come home with you after rehearsal 

 

 

~~~

 

 _You have entered the chat_ **The Carrie Squad**

 

bettybop: me: wow isn't it weird that we're playing boyfriend and girlfriend lmao

                archie: yeah lol

                jughead, out of fucking nowhere: hey betty :) back :) off :) big brother is watching :) 

 

 

edgelord: gvgrfdcghfjvgtfct DON'T EXPOSE ME LIKE THIS

 

 

cherylbombshell: i love a good jealous boyfriend :)

 

 

edgelord: i hate all of you 

 

 

thekevithwonder: EVERYONE! SHOWTIME! IS! NEARING! now, Mrs. cooper, our iconic Mrs. white, was nice enough to donate towards our concessions and mr. andrews is building our sets! please thank them if you ever see them!!!

 

 

bettybop: i see her everyday

 

 

thekevinthwonder: idc damn

 

 

ronniehoward: hey kevin what should betty and i do for our hair???

 

 

thekevinthwonder: i was thinking some classic 70's waves??? i'll send you some pics

 

 

ronniehoward: ok thanks!!! 

 

 

thekevinthwonder: cheryl, can you please meet me during lunch today?

 

 

cherylbombshell: um okay? 

 

 

 cherylbombshell: toni dear, i'm afraid we'll have to postpone our blossoming tradition of eating lunch together

 

 

mizztopaz: don't worry babe, i'll live

 

 

ronniehoward: so, i had another dream about Big Tiddy the ass eating shark.....i'm terrified. he's becoming more and more aggressive. in the dream, my girlfriend was going down on me and everything seemed fine, until i looked down and my beautiful betty's face suddenly morphed into Big Tiddy. i can't even have sex with her anymore without thinking of Big Tiddy and i don't know what to do

 

 

archangel: ?????????

 

 

bettybop: IS THAT WHY YOU KICKED MY FACE AWAY WHEN I TRIED TO EAT YOU OUT THE OTHER DAY

 

 

ronniehoward: I MENT TO SEND THIS TO MY THERAPIST JIFJWBEDHJBBDRHEF IM SO SORRY

 

 

thekevinthwonder: it's.....okay

 

 

edgelord:....i have a question, does Big Tiddy have a human mouth to eat ass or a shark's mouth to eat ass? because if it's the latter that seems terribly painful

 

 

**ronniehoward** _has left the conversation._

 

bettybop: hftyujbvcdrtyujkjnbvcfyjbvcfhjmn

 

 

_2:34 PM_

 

 

cherylbombshell: Everyone, I am stepping down from the role of Carrie White.

 

 

edgelord: What.

 

 

ronniehoward: NOOO

 

 

bettybop: gehbjqhwcqh  ?????????????

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: WHy?

 

 

muggsbuggs: oooh nooo......kevin who are you going to replace her with?

 

 

cherylbombshell: Well, it isn't going to be you, you selfish, lizard brained skank. I know it was you who pretended to be the Black Hood and sent Kevin that phony letter, so you can stop acting so innocent, Ethel. 

 

 

thekevinthwonder: well, no else knows this, but I gave cheryl an understudy after The Sandbag Incident. midge will be taking over as Carrie White

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: :)

 

 

bettybop: well, congrats midge!

 

 

moose_m: no one deserves it more :)

 

 

 **muggsbuggs**   _has left the conversation._

 

 

cherylbombshell: very interesting

 

 

misstopaz: cheryl, i'm sure she left for a good reason

 

 

cherylbombshell: or maybe she saw her little scheme failed and she fled to escape suspicion? either way, she doesn't fool me

 

 

ronniehoward: we're all really sorry cheryl, we know how much this role meant to you

 

 

cherylbombshell: it's alright veronica, i'm not beaten yet

 

 

thekevinthwonder: we're all going to miss your superb voice and acting skills, cheryl

 

 

edgelord: seriously 

 

 

cherylbombshell: thank you, everyone

 

 

_April 18, 6:30 PM_

 

 

thekevinthwonder: 30 minutes to showtime everyone! jughead, how's attendance?

 

 

edgelord: well the first few rows are already packed, and i can see cars filling in....it should be a full house 

 

 

thekevinthwonder: ok great

 

 

thekevinthwonder: midge, are you fitting into cheryl's costumes okay

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: oh yes they fit just fine!

 

 

cherylbombshell: they wouldn't have fit ethel so great, now would they :(

 

 

thekevinthwonder: ANYWAY

 

 

thekevinthwonder: betty and veronica, status update?

 

 

archangel: they are currently making out in the green room kevin

 

 

thekevinthwonder: well, as long as they're aware of the time 

 

 

edgelord: hey kevin is it alright if i film some of archie's scenes from the audience?

 

 

thekevinthwonder: oh sure! 

 

 

egdelord: ok thanks

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: can you film some of my scenes too!

 

 

edgelord: of course midge

 

 

turtlenecksandtea: thanks :)

 

 

thekevinthwonder: okay!!!!! 5 minutes to showtime people!!!!!! PLACES

 

 

ronniehoward: good luck betty!!!!

 

 

bettybop: you too babe!!!!!

 

 

edgelord: you're gonna do great, arch. i love you

 

 

archangel: i love you too :)

 

 

cclayton: Y'ALL WE BOUTA KILL IT

 

 

moose_m: YES

 

 

thekevinthwonder: break a leg, everyone

 

 

~~~

 

_You have received a message from_ **edgelord**

 

edgelord: you're doing so great out there babe i'm so proud :')

 

 

archangel: omfg shut up

 

 

edgelord: i'm being serious you have the voice of an angel and i love you 

 

 

archangel: thank you :)

 

 

archangel: i have a while till i go on stage, what scene are we at

 

 

edgelord: oh well margaret is singing her big number and i can see betty and the other waiting in the wings

 

 

archangel: ok, i'll wait out there then

 

 

edgelord: damn mrs. cooper is killing it

 

 

archangel: i know 

 

 

egdelord: midge is doing pretty well too

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: ??????

 

 

edgelord: oh my god

 

 

edgelord: archie are you okay archie please answer me please tell me youre alright

 

 

edgelord: archie please tell me your safe and you didn't go after the asshole who did this like a moron

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: i'm outside with your dad please answer me or him please i need to know if your safe

 

 

edgelord: betty and veronica are here where are you?

 

 

edgelord: please archie tell me where you are i'm freaking out i need you to tell me where you are please don't be dead too

 

 

edgelord: archie please i'm not going till you show up

 

 

edgelord: archie the police just came and you still aren't here if they find your body too i will kill you

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

archangel: jughead i'm safe i'm okay

 

 

edgelord: YOU SCARED THE FUCKIG SHIT OUT OF ME YOU DICK WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER

 

 

archangel: i got lost in the crowd i'm sorry jughead

 

 

edgelord: jesus fuck i thought you were dead

 

 

archangel: i know babe i'm so so so sorry

 

 

edgelord: fuck i'm crying

 

 

egdelord: archie did you see anything?? what the fuck happened 

 

 

archangel: is midge okay is she alright?? what

 

 

edgelord: archie your dad and i are outside the school where are you?

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

archangel: i'm at the football field

 

 

edgelord: we'll meet you there

 

 

archangel: no i'll come to you

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

archangel: yes?

 

 

edgelord: stay with me tonight

 

 

edgelord: please

 

 

edgelord: yknow what fuck it i don't care if we go to my place or your place or a fucking junk yard i just need you with me right now

 

 

edgelord: archie

 

 

archangel: of course jughead of course

 

 

archangel: how are veronica and betty? are you with them are they  okay?

 

 

edgelord: hiram lodge drove them to veronica's house a few minutes ago archie where are you???

 

 

archangel: i see you i'll be right there

 

 

edgelord: ok

 

 

~~~

 

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **The Carrie Squad**

 

thekevinthwonder: midge's funeral will be this sunday at 10:00 am

 

 

thekevinthwonder: in case any of you were wondering

 

 

bettybop: her death wasn't your fault kevin

 

 

thekevinthwonder: i should've canceled the show as soon as i got that fucking letter and now midge is dead 

 

 

ronniehoward: the only person responsible for midge klump's death is the black hood

 

 

cherlbombshell: and trust me when i say that we won't rest until the sick bastard who murdered midge is found and put to death on the electric chair

 

 

thekevinthwonder: well until then, my dad wants all of you at the station tomorrow

 

 

archangel: of course kevin.....how's moose?

 

 

thekevinthwonder: there's nothing i can do to help him and i feel even more shitty

 

 

thekevinthwonder: moose loved midge more than anyone. imagine losing the love of your life like that

 

 

ronniehoward: i don't want to, to be honest

 

 

thekevinthwonder: well, moose doesn't have to. it's a reality for him

 

 

edgelord: kevin, we're so sorry 

 

 

bettybop: midge was an amazing friend and person. we'll all miss her

 

 

archangel: and as for the blackhood, he'll pay. that's all i know right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the angst lol
> 
> also what did y'all think of tonight's episode? i found it very...interesting *sips tea*
> 
> anyway, i hope you all enjoyed!


	12. hehehe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> watch as i miraculously avoid writing actual canon-based chapters like i promised and instead write porn ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS BOTH INFINITY WAR SPOILERS AND SOMEWHAT GRAPHIC DEPICTIONS OF SEX, THOUGH THESE TWO THINGS ARE NOT EXCLUSIVELY CONNECTED (i wish they were tho)
> 
> welcome to this happy chapter that i have written as a way to cope with the last few episode's events :')
> 
> next chapter should be up very soon and will be centered around the finale
> 
> ps this chapter was meant to be much longer and meant to come sooner but it was kinda boring and something came up and idk

_You have entered the chat:_ **The Carrie Squad**

 

thekevinthwonder: hey everyone, i just wanted to thank you all for coming to midge's funeral. i know it was all very last minute and you all had probably planned other things, but moose, mrs. klump, and i are very touched <3

 

 

bettybop: of course kevin, we wouldn't have missed it for the world <3

 

 

ronniehoward: it was a beautiful service, but i couldn't help but feel it wasn't enough

 

 

ronniehoward: she was murdered by a deranged serial killer, and only like half the town showed up :/

 

 

archangel: i know it all feels so surreal, like a nightmare or something 

 

 

edgelord: i think we can all agree on one simple fact: we failed to memorialize midge, not in any way that's important 

 

 

cherylbombshell: and may i interject? jughead, i certainly thing that someone failed, but it wasn't us. sheriff keller is perhaps one of the most useless, ineffective "detectives" i have ever seen, and i've once witnessed my beloved nana rose roam the perimeter of thornhill searching for her wheelchair while she was on said wheelchair. 

 

 

thekevinthkeller: believe it or not cheryl, but my father is doing everything he can to serve justice

 

 

cherylbombshell: the only way justice will be served is if your father gives up his charade and admits he is incapable and hands over his duties to someone who knows what their doing :)

 

 

cherylbombshell: rest assured kevin that your father's days as sheriff of riverdale are numbered 

 

 

bettybop: cheryl

 

 

 **thekevinthkeller** _deleted the chat:_ **The Carrie Squad** _. You are no longer able to access this conversation._

 

 

_~~~_

 

 

 _You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

 

edgelord: your pursuit of justice is quite harsh cheryl, even for me

 

 

cherylbombshell: i don't feel shame for what i said, only regret that kevin is too blinded by hero worship to see that his father is coward who lacks the skills and the initiative to look after midge klump's murderer 

 

 

ronniehoward: i mean, i kinda get it??? i thought my father could do no wrong until he was dragged away in handcuffs right in front of me 

 

 

cherylbombshell: so you agree with my convictions?

 

 

ronniehoward: i honestly i don't know. sometimes it feels like i don't know anything anymore

 

 

ronniehoward: i feel so weak and helpless

 

 

archangel: i know

 

 

archangel: the man who shot my dad is still out there and there isn't shit i can do 

 

 

bettybop: all i want to do is forget about all of this. just leave riverdale and forget

 

 

edgelord: agreed

 

 

cherylbombshell: well, it's seems as though we are all traumatized by last weeks's events...may i be able to over a distraction?

 

 

bettybop: sure, i have nothing else planned 

 

 

ronniehoward: i thought we were gonna go to lover's lane and have a copious amount of sex?????? :(

 

 

 bettybop: noah fence ronnie but that's what we do literally every single day

 

 

ronniehoward: um yes and what's your fucking point

 

 

bettybop: ANYWAY

 

 

ronniehoward: fuck you

 

 

bettybop: A N Y W A Y 

 

 

bettybop: veronica and i will be joining you, cheryl :)

 

 

cherylbombshell: excellent. archie? jughead?

 

 

archangel: well jughead and i were planning on going to pop's, but we're fine with going out with you all

 

 

edgelord: um speak for yourself binch

 

 

cherylbombshell: well, i'm not forcing you to go, but toni and i were planning on having sex on every surface of my house possible, just to spite my evil kin (expect you betty, you're my favorite relative besides nana rose)

 

 

bettybop: :')

 

 

ronniehoward: wait so you're asking us to have sex with our respective partners...all over your house??? like an orgy?? will i have to witness a penis???

 

 

cherylbombshell: possibly, but you are under no obligation to touch said penis unless both parties consent and betty is fine with it

 

 

ronniehoward: still, if i see archie andrew's penis again it will be too soon

 

 

edgelord: same

 

 

archangel: HEY

 

 

edgelord: hey i love you but i see your penis too much 

 

 

archangel: we are in a relationship in which we are sexually active!!!!!!!!

 

 

edgelord: still :/

 

 

cherylbombshell: well, are you two coming or not? i need to plan our post-coitus snack break accordingly 

 

 

edgelord: i hate to break it to you cheryl, but why would i ever go anywhere near my boyfriend while your shriveled mother is in the same house?? i would much rather have my ass eaten by Big Tiddy :(

 

 

ronniehoward: I'LL SUE

 

 

edgelord: i'm not scared of you sweetheart

 

 

bettybop: pls stop

 

 

cherylbombshell: you needn't worry, jug. i banished my hideous, botox-addicted mother and monstrous uncle from ever entering my home again. you won't be seeing them anytime soon 

 

 

archangel: oh lit

 

 

edgelord: ok fine but if your father's ghost materializes at any point during the evening i'm out

 

 

cherylbombshell: deal

 

 

 

~~~

 

 

 

cherylbombshell: alright everyone, i have assigned some of my mother's most beloved sections of the house to each couple 

 

 

cherylbombshell: jarchie, you'll cover my mother's room and the dining room, beronica you'll cover the living room and the kitchen, and choni will cover some more....secretive places

 

 

cherylbombshell: you'll find complementary lube, condoms, etc in the first place i listed for you couples :)

 

 

edgelord: FREE LUBE 

 

 

bettybop: but all that stuff is so expensive...are you sure you don't want us to pay you back?

 

 

edgelord: damn shut up

 

 

cherylbombshell: no worries betty, i'd pay any amount of money to spite my bigot mother 

 

 

ronniehoward: HEAR HEAR

 

 

cherylbombshell: i'll expect you all in 20 minutes 

 

 

 **cherylbomshell** _has exited the conversation._

 

 

ronniehoward: keep your dick away from me archie andrews

 

 

archangel: then keep your half melted vag away from me

 

 

bettybop: stop this!!!!!

 

 

edgelord: hey archie i'll come around your house with the bike in a few

 

 

archangel: okay my dad wants to see you

 

 

edgelord: yeah and i want to talk to him....

 

 

archangel: oh ok lol

 

 

ronniehoward: LETS GO BETTY LETES GO

 

 

bettybop: OKAY ILL COME OVER NOW

 

  
  
ronniehoward: OKAY

 

 

~~~

 

 

cherylbomshell: i see everyone's here then?

 

 

edgelord: no not everyone

 

 

ronniehoward: ummm no we're all here jug

 

 

edgelord: no we're missing my dignity 

 

 

bettybop: no i think we're all missing that :/

 

 

archangel: hey should we add toni to the chat?? i feel kinda bad that she's not entirely in the loop

 

 

cherylbombshell: oh please, she's not going into another groupchat ever again

 

 

ronniehward: fuck i thought we weren't gonna bring that up

 

 

cherylbombshell: oh shit sorry

 

 

edgelord: UM CHERYL 

 

 

cherylbombshell: yes?

 

 

edgelord: ARCHIE AND I WENT TO YOUR MOTHER'S ROOM AND WE STARTED TO MAKE OUT AD WHATEVER AND YOUR NANA ROSE ROLLED OUT OF THE FCKING CORNER HELP

 

 

cherylbombshell: oh no

 

 

cherylbombshell: i'll be right up and bring her down to the basement

 

 

ronniehoward: pls don't lock your nana in a cage :(

 

 

cherylbombshell: oh no, that's were she watches jeopardy, she's gonna have a good time :)

 

 

ronniehoward: oh ok lmfao

 

 

bettybop: veronica, i'm waiting for you...

 

 

ronniehoward: COMING

 

 

cherylbombshell: ok everyone, if you need anything, text me and i will most likely answer. please engage in your activities ;)

 

 

archangel: oh jughead and i already started 

 

 

bettybop: yeah ronnie and i can hear the bedsprings from the fucking living room

 

 

archangel: whoops sorry i guess 

 

 

ronniehoward: betty if you don' throw your damn phone away and throw yourself on me i'll haul ass out of here

 

 

bettybop: OK BYE EVERYONE HAPPY TRAILS 

 

 

edgelord: wait betty 

 

 

bettybop: omfg what

 

 

edgelord: can i come over your house after this?? i wanna talk to you about something

 

 

bettybop: um sure

 

 

bettybop: wait why are you texting me rn??? aren't you in the middle of sex

 

 

ronniehoward: i mean, we would be too if only jughead would stfu

 

 

edgelord: okay rude

 

 

edgelord: also archie is blowing me rn so i have access to my hands

 

 

cherylbombshell: omg are you close?

 

 

edgelord: um i guess?? why

 

 

cherylbombshell: nut

 

 

cherylbombshell: nut

 

 

cherylbombshell: nut

 

 

ronniehoward: nut 

 

 

bettybop: nut 

 

 

bettybop: nut 

 

 

ronniehoward: nut

 

 

cherylbombshell: nut

 

 

archangel: finished 

 

 

ronniehoward: THAT ACTUALLY WORKED LMFAOOO

 

 

edgelord: UM HOW ABOUT YOU TRY KEEPING FROM COMING WHEN YOUR DICK IS GETTING VACUUM SUCKED AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS ARE URGING YOU TO "NUT"

 

 

cherylbombshell: this was such a good idea :)

 

 

ronniehoward: EVERYONE SHUT UP BETTY AND I ARE ABOUT TO HAVE LESBIAN SEX

 

 

archangel: k bye

 

 

cherylbombshell: toni and are going to do the same 

 

 

cherylbombshell: we will report back to the kitchen once everyone has finished 

 

 

~~~

 

ronniehoward: k betty and i are done

 

 

cherylbombshell: ok, come join archie and i in the kitchen 

 

 

bettybop: were is jughead anyway?

 

 

archangel: oh um

 

 

edgelord: i'm surveying the damage done to p*nelope blossom's bedroom

 

 

ronniehoward: jesus what did you do

 

 

archangel: cheryl we may have accidentally broken your mother's bed

 

 

cherylbombshell: which part?

 

 

archangel: uh

 

 

edgelord: all of it, it seems 

 

 

bettybop: JDEHBQHHJDBHWBFDWEV

 

 

ronniehoward: I'M IMPRESSED ARCHIEKINS 

 

 

archangel: why???

 

 

cherylbombshell: well, you effectively destroyed a bed that was passed down to generations of blossom couples. that bedframe/headboard was crafted from black iroonwood and is literally decades old, and you managed to singlehandedly destroy it just from pounding into your boyfriend :)

 

 

archangel: but i didn't break it lol

 

 

cherylbombshell: oh? i guess it wasn't as sturdy as i believed then

 

 

bettybop: oh my god

 

 

cherylbombshell: what?

 

 

ronniehoward: jughead broke it, not archie

 

 

edgelord: please......leave me alone....

 

 

cherylbombshell: color me shocked!

 

 

cherylbombshell: tell me jughead, how do you have sex? i assume you go for the jackhammer approach considering the fast succession of bedspring squeaks i heard from downstairs, but i could be wrong?

 

 

edgelord: hmm, i don't know cheryl, how often do you wash your punani? i assume you go for the "not at all" approach considering the fact that toni's breath stank of fish when i talked to her five minutes ago, but i could be wrong?

 

 

**cherylbombshell** _has exited the conversation._

 

 

ronniehoward: fukc

 

 

bettybop: stop this!!! vaginas have their own natural musk and there's nothing wrong with that!!

 

 

edgelord: yeah but it appears that cheryl's vagina is a tad bit muskier than others :/

 

 

bettybop: STOP 

 

 

archangel: um guys i just saw cheryl grab toni storm out of the house

 

 

archangel: yeah they left

 

 

ronniehoward: but this is her house...?

 

 

edgelord: i guess she didn;t kick us out for fear that i would roast her again

 

 

bettybop: STOP! THIS!

 

 

archangel: so

 

 

archangel: who wants to see infinity war again

 

 

bettybop: ME ME ME ME ME 

 

 

edgelord: sorry betty but you we have to talk about something super serious like....right now :)

 

 

bettybop: fuck....fine 

 

 

bettybop: god fucking dammit

 

 

ronniehoward: i, on the other hand, am perfectly free and would like nothing more than to watch the Most Important Film In All Of History again 

 

 

ronniehoward: i'll drive us to and back arch

 

 

archangel: ok, i'll pay

 

 

bettybop: shut fuck shitting fuck......i could've watched Tony Stark beat thanos the big purple dildo up again but i guess i have to ride on jughead jones' nasty ass motorcycle....fuck

 

 

edgelord: UM RUDE?????

 

 

bettybop: just come outside i'm waiting for you

 

 

archangel: let's go ronnie!!!!!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: coming!!!!!!!

 

 

~~~

 

_3:19 AM_

 

_You have received a message from:_ **archangel**

 

 

archangel: mr andrews.....i don't feel so good....

 

 

fredandrews: Son are you, OK? Do You Need me to Pick yoU up from Jughead;s?

 

 

archangel: i-i don't know what's happening 

 

 

fredandrews: What's Happening??? Archie if you do Not elaborate I will call you Mother and she Will Travel All The Way From Chicago To Drag Your Sorry Ass Home 

 

 

archangel: i don't wanna go, i don't wanna go sir please, i don't wanna go i don't wanna go

 

 

fredandrews: Okay, I wont Pick You Up Then?? Just Tell Me Youre alright boy

 

 

archangel: i'm sorry....*turns to ash*

 

 

fredandrews: wait!!!! STop!!!!!!! Please D ont do that!!!!

 

 

fredandrews: ARCHIE!!!!!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiram while archie's getting arrested: hahahhahaha :) watch as i arrest a child for a murder he had nothing to do with :) fuck you archie :) your eyebrows are thicker than my skull and i hate you for confronting me about my grievances :) now you'll pay bitch :) 
> 
> archie: what
> 
>  
> 
> i hope you enjoyed fred andrew's iconic return i love him sooo much rt if you think he deserved to be mayor more than hermione :'(


	13. coño coño coño marihuana part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all this is the finale chapter that i promised y'all, sorry it's so late tbh i forgot about this fic and when i remembered it existed i was like "hnnnnng OH SHIT" sdhjbvftyhgh anyway here is the chapter i wrote 7567378392 years ago
> 
> so i left some minor elements of the finale out bc i was getting lazy lol
> 
> also i have some bad news: i think i'm gonna go on a hiatus after my next update, at least until the season 3 premiere. the reason i might do this is because i really wanna stick to the narrative of the show, and i don't think i can write anymore chapters without straying from canon. if any of you really want me to continue writing this throughout the summer and early fall, comment below and i might reconsider :)
> 
> btw this takes place a few days after jughead is beaten by the ghoulies ok enjoy

_You have entered the chat:_ **jughead support group <3**

 

fpjonesii: hey everyone, i know the last few days have been difficult but i come bearing good news: jughead is awake. he's in a lot of pain but he is conscious and talking 

 

 

fpjonesii: he'll pull through 

 

 

archangel: oh my god thank fuck 

 

 

bettybop: :)

 

 

ronniehoward: hey y'all do any of you know the nearest carl's jr bc i am suddenly craving an El Diablo Thickburger 

 

 

archangel: bitch what the fuck mr jones has just told us that jughead is alive and ur talking some shit abt carl's jr and a thiccburger? smh

 

 

ronniehoward: um damn u didn't need to go awf like that 

 

 

ronniehoward: but yeah woooooh jughead is awake!!!!!1!1!

 

 

ronniehoward: where is the carl's jr

 

 

fpjonesii: the nearest one is right bye the border of greendale 

 

 

ronniehoward: sweet 

 

 

bettybop: i hate my life and my girlfriend 

 

 

ronniehoward: i feel attacked 

 

 

ronniehoward: whatever at least fp gave me directions to carl's jr.....thanks daddy

 

 

**fpjonesii** _has left the conversation._

 

 

archangel: anyway i'm gonna go visit jughead and veronica can't come bc she called fp daddy

 

 

ronniehoward: try again sweaty i'll be too busy eating my El Diablo Thickburger ;)

 

 

bettybop: yeah i'm going with archie 

 

 

ronniehoward: BABE CARL'S JR???

 

 

bettybop: if i hear the words "carl's jr" "el diablo" or "thickburger" in this chat i will literally lock myself in my father's prison cell where he will hopefully end my miserable fucking existence 

 

 

archangel: um

 

 

bettybop: i mean 

 

 

bettybop: hahahahaha

 

 

ronniehoward: babe are u okay

 

 

ronniehoward: nvm fuck carl's asshole or whatever the fuck that place is called im gonna go and spend time with my gf

 

 

bettybop: omg ily baby <3

 

 

ronniehoward: <3

 

 

archangel: whatever i'm driving to the hospital 

 

 

archangel: the nearest place is mcdolands ronnie would u like me to pick u some up omw back?

 

 

ronniehoward: yes i would like to share a 20 piece mcnugget meal from mcdolands with my lady love 

 

 

bettybop: mcdolands 

 

 

archangel: leave me alone i'm driving 

 

 

ronniehoward: can't believe my ex is getting me mickey ds :,)

 

 

 [other guys will just feed ya lines but i'll take you to mickey d's!!!!](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tfs_mbIhBzg)

 

 

archangel: ok bye i hate you both 

 

 

\---

 

 

edgelord: hey do any of you watch steven universe 

 

 

ronniehoward: jughead!!! ur alive!!!!! i'm so happy :)

 

 

ronniehoward: also fuck no miss me with that weeb shit

 

 

edgelord: steven universe isn't anime you thick headed bitch

 

 

bettybop: okay how about we don't fight over a cartoon network show lmao

 

 

bettybop: juggie how are you feeling ?

 

 

edgelord: well physically i'm not doing so great. i hurt all over and penny dreadful cut off my fucking serpent tattoo...also it turns out fangs is alive and while i'm happy about that i'm kinda not okay with the fact that my dad lied to the serpents and i......also the ghoulies burnt down sunnyside trailer park and most of the serpents either joined the ghoulies, were arrested, or hauled ass out of riverdale. the serpents don't exist anymore 

 

 

bettybop: oh

 

 

edgelord: but betty i'm so sorry i heard your dad is the black hood

 

 

bettybop: eh

 

 

bettybop: i mean i now have enough emotional trauma to last me for years but i'm getting mcdonald's later ayeeeeee

 

 

ronniehoward: the level of mental instability in this chat has me quaking 

 

 

edgelord: also i'm withdrawing from the student council race bc what do i have to LIVE for anymore lmaoooooo

 

 

bettybop: oh wig?

 

 

ronniehoward: QUAKING 

 

 

ronniehward: also that reminds me!!!!!!! i'm stepping out as student council president candidate and archie will be taking my place!!

 

 

edgelord: OH WIG OMG MY BOYFRIEND IS GONNA BE PRESIDENT I KNEW YOU WERE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS ARCH

 

 

archangel: ..........so jughead should be able to leave the hospital tomorrow 

 

 

archangel: in the meantime i have something to tell you all 

 

 

ronniehoward: damn i hope this doesn't interfere with you getting us mcdonalds :/

 

 

edgelord: YOU'RE GETTING MCDONALDS???? OH WIG CAN YOU GET ME SOME NUGGS PLEASE

 

 

archangel: bitch you can't eat anything that isn't hospital food remember damn

 

 

edgelord: :(

 

 

archangel: but maybe i can smuggle some in for you....

 

 

edgelord: :)

 

 

archangel: ANYWAY

 

 

archangel: something about hal being the black hood doesn't add up....hal was at town hall when another blackhood starting shooting it up....also while he was with betty and her mom another black hood was with me and my dad????

 

 

archangel: i mean betty i know you wouldn't want to talk abt this but i'm genuinely terrified that this guy will try to kill me or my dad 

 

 

archangel: FOR THE THIRD TIME 

 

 

bettybop: no i get it

 

 

edgelord: so what do you think babe?

 

 

archangel: there has to be a second black hood there is literally no other logical explanation 

 

 

 bettybop: do you think this second black hood was the one who shot your dad? or did my dad do that

 

 

archangel: i'm sorry betty but i think it was your dad that shot mine 

 

 

bettybop: shit

 

 

ronniehoward: but why would there be two black hoods??? this is literally so weird it sounds like some cliche cw drama

 

 

archangel: ronnie the second black hood open fired at the town hall meeting while my dad and your mother was there, and he shot my dad again....i think these are politically motivated, which means hiram might be the behind it

 

 

ronniehoward: well

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm not surprised, my father is literally satan 

 

 

ronniehoward: but this means that we can't let my mother win the mayoral race under any circumstances....my family will have complete control of riverdale and my dad will never be held accountable for what he's done 

 

 

edgelord: but it would make no sense that hiram is actually the second black hood??? he must've hired someone to carry out the attacks 

 

 

archangel: yeah i think so to

 

 

ronniehoward: agreed 

 

 

edgelord: i think it could be sheriff minetta, he's literally hiram's puppet 

 

 

bettybop: well ronnie and i are getting hungry so i'm just gonna go get mcdonald's. archie take as much time as you need with jug :)

 

 

archangel: thanks betty

 

 

bettybop: oh!!!!! one last thing!!!!! polly is coming into town so if you wanna meet my niece and nephew lemme know!!!!!!!

 

 

bettybop: K BYE

 

 

\---

 

 

  _You have received a message from:_ **bettybop**

 

 

bettybop: hello mr andrews! how are you doing today :)

 

 

fredandrews: I'm DOing Great, betty ! how are YOU doing? I know how Much you loved your Father, it must'Ve come as a Shock

 

 

bettybop: well, that's what i wanted to talk to you about mr andrews. i wanted to apologize 

 

 

fredandrews: For What?

 

 

bettybop: for what my father did to you...i'm so so so sorry and i honestly feel so terrible and guilty over how much pain my family has caused you. i'll completely understand if you hate me

 

 

fredandrews: Betty, you have no responsibility for you father's actions. It was Hal who shot me, not you. It was Hal who killed your friend Midge, not you. I honestly don't have a clue as to why your father would commit such horrifying crimes, but I am sure about one thing: you are completely innocent. Of course I don't hate you!

 

 

bettybop: wow

 

 

bettybop: mr andrews that is honestly a relief to hear....thank you so much :)

 

 

fredandrews: :)

 

 

bettybop: also you managed to write that entire message without any awkward capitalization wtf

 

 

fredandrews I DOnt Know I become more ARTiculate when I Am Sincere :)

 

 

bettybop: I Am Going To Cry

 

 

\---

 

 

 

_hnnnnghhhh_ _time jump bitches_

 

 

_\---_

 

 

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

edgelord: hey so i know it's basically law that we never mention our production of c*rrie th* m*sic*l but i've unearthed some pretty shocking and disturbing footage of my bf archie andrews dancing 

 

 

archangel: bicth...........if you love me you w i l l n o t 

 

 

ronniehoward: show us the video

 

 

archangel: p l e a s e d o n ' t 

 

 

bettybop: hqdwedgqjhgvfdsasdghjk YES

 

 

**edgelord** _has sent a video link:[WHAT IS THAT](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yp1BV0V6EmM)_

 

edgelord: it's around the one minute mark lol

 

 

ronniehoward: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JIJIJIJIJIJIJIJIJI

 

 

bettybop: i am literally shakign why........does he dance like that 

 

 

archangel: um it's called talent bitch ever heard of it??????????

 

 

ronniehoward: betty: one small act of kindness might change carrie's life for good :)

                       archie: F̷̹̮̜͙̠ ̷͈̱͔͓̘I̵̻̮ ̫N ̳̖E̖̦̬͓̻͚͞ ̧̝

 

 

archangel: jughead why would you do this to me the love of your miserable fucking life 

 

 

edgelord: well i feel like you were trying to gain my sympathy but gave up on your cause halfway through

 

 

archangel: .....i hereby banish your dick to the S H A D O W  R E A L M 

 

 

**archangel** _has left the conversation._

 

 

edgelord: NBFTYHDDSWEUJHGJNBHIKWNEDGHQGQJ I TAKE MY WHOLE LIFE BACK

 

 

ronniehoward: um i've been meaning to ask: what the FUCK is the shadow realm

 

 

edgelord: i'm shaakingd it's hwere archie forcibly mak es me taek on a lkife of abstience for a w h o l e  m o n t h 

 

 

bettybop: are you saying that archie is not going to engage in any sexual activity with you for a whole month?

 

 

edgelord: hhhngf yes

 

 

ronniehoward: THAT;S FUNNY

 

 

edgelord: no it is n o t plaese hlp me

 

 

bettybop: okay but that's pretty funny that your boyfriend isn't gonna touch you with a ten inch pole for a month because you made fun of his daNCING IWQEHDBWJF

 

 

ronniehoward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

 

**edgelord** _has left the conversation.  
_

 

bettybop: i love how we can al; laugh despite full blown shit storm currently blowing over our town :)

 

 

ronniehoward: we're just iconic like that

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry again for the long wait but i had life going on hehehehehehe
> 
> also sorry that i had to split this up into parts but it would get so LONG if i didn't ughhhhhhhhhh


	14. coño coño coño marihuana part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's me jessie and ari, if we-if they test me they sorry, ride his uh like a harley then pull off in his ferrari

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey y'all and welcome BACK.....to riverdale™. if you haven't read the last chapter i highly recommend you do bc this chapter won't make any sense unless you do hehehe. also u should probs watch the finale again to refresh ur memory....but it probs won't help any because i didn't know what the fuck was happening lmaooooo
> 
> so yeah pls enjoy

_Wednesday, 6:39 AM_

 

_You have received a message from:_ **ronniehoward**

 

 

ronniehoward: hello mi amor, did you get home alright? i know last night was pretty crazy and you left my place pretty upset (even though i gave you some bomb head last night??? no jk lmao) how are you feeling?

 

 

bettybop: hey v :) i'm okay....when i came home last night there was a flood of reporters in front of my house and my mom was outside yelling at them and just acting crazy :( she just needs time to come to terms with my dad, but it's so hard to see her so unhinged

 

 

bettybop: i mean she loved my dad, even after they divorced. imagine the father of your children turned out to be a serial killer? i can't imagine what's she going through

 

 

bettybop: i'm glad weatherbee gave me time off. i'm not comfortable with leaving her alone rn

 

 

ronniehowad: god betty i'm so so sorry....do you want me to skip school today and go over to your place? i would feel so much better being my your side and comforting you

 

 

bettybop: ugh veronica that offer is really damn tempting right now but my mother wouldn't appreciate the company i think....thanks though <3

 

 

ronniehoward: of course betty, but just say the word and i'll be there in an instant 

 

 

ronniehoward: i love you

 

 

bettybop: i love you too :)

 

 

ronniehoward: no really i love you so much im fucking crying right now shit!!!!!!!! no bad bitches don't have time to cry i have to get ready for school!!!!!!!!!

 

 

bettybop: yes u are a bad bitch honey!!!!

 

 

bettybop: oh wait i almost forgot!!!!! archie is leaving school early bc he's going down to the station to identify my dad

 

 

ronniehoward: wow i love going to school without my bffs and eating lunch alone!1!!!!1

 

 

bettybop: jughead will be there? and i'm pretty sure he's leaving after noon 

 

 

ronniehoward:...okay but whenever archie isn't at school all he does is complain about archie not being at school and honestly i don't have the patience for that today

 

 

ronniehoward: ok i have to go sweetheart i'll call you sometime around 12 ok?? love you so much xoxo

 

 

bettybop: ok bye baby i love you <3

 

 

~~~

_11: 09 AM_

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

 

edgelord: hi sisters!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: shut the fuck up

 

 

edgelord: wow sister snapped!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: i will curb stomp you

 

 

edgelord: okay i deserve it

 

 

edgelord: but can anyone give me a ride home i walked to school today and now it's raining cats and donkeys outside :/

 

 

ronniehoward: first of all it's cats and dogs not cats and donkeys the fuck

 

 

ronniehoward: second of all it's a no from me

 

 

edgelord: fine i didn't want to ride in your knockoff porsche anyway 

 

 

ronniehoward: ....you better take that shit back right now forsthye 

 

 

archangel: stop fighting!!!!

 

 

archangel: also ew i didn't need to be reminding of my boyfriend's ugly ass name 

 

 

edgelord: how about you go choke you rude ass fucking bitch

 

 

archangel: well i was about to offer to drive you home and treat you to pop's but i guess i can't do shit now

 

 

edgelord: [nvm love my soulmate :')](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnA76Jp6pBQ)

 

 

ronniehoward: wow i really never thought i'd say this but romance is fucking dead

 

 

edgelord: sorry i don't have time for jealous bitches xoxo

 

 

archangel: hey veronica how is betty holding up?

 

 

ronniehoward: she's doing as well as can be expected :/ she's asleep rn

 

 

ronniehoward: how did the identification thing go?

 

 

archangel: well hal cooper definitely shot my dad at pop's 

 

 

edgelord: fucking bastard

 

 

archangel: but when i told sheriff minetta about there possibly being another black hood he didn't take me seriously

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah because he's being paid off by my dad

 

 

archangel: i told him to tell hiram that i won't stop until i find the other black hood. he didn't say anything back

 

 

edgelord: hmm well arch you haven't exactly been on good terms with mr lodge since you abandoned his mafia bullshit so i really hope he doesn't order a hit on you

 

 

ronniehoward: yep i really wouldn't be surprised!

 

 

archangel: he won't do anything to me 

 

 

edgelord: how can you be so sure?

 

 

ronniehoward: bell just rang!!!! gottta go call my gf bye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

archangel: i'll see you outside jug 

 

 

edgelord: ok

 

 

_1:12 PM_

 

 

ronniehoward: bETTTTTYYYY

 

 

ronniehoward: betttyyyy

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

ronniehoward: betty

 

 

bettybop: literally what

 

 

ronniehoward: reggie and josie dropped out of the race 

 

 

bettybop: WHAT

 

 

bettybop: wait who would archie be running against now??

 

 

ronniehoward: ethel??? i think????? but no one likes her so i'm not even quaking 

 

 

bettybop: damn and i was almost gonna vote for them too

 

 

archangel: fuck you

 

 

bettybop: archie you have class rn why are you on your phone!!!!

 

 

archangel: cause i do what i want traitor

 

 

archangel: also ronnie's on her phone too???

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah but im in the bathroom try again bitch

 

 

 

edgelord: oh!!!! wait!!!! i almost forgot!!!!!! the serpents are seeking refuge at the whyte wyrm so i guess they aren't as dead as i thought

 

 

ronniehoward: oh my god

 

 

archangel: are they okay???? what's happening

 

 

bettybop: i leave school for one week and everything just goes to shit!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: oh wait u guys cheryl is texting me 

 

 

~~~

 

 

_You have received a message from:_ **cherylbombshell**

 

 

cherylbombshell: hello, cousin-in-law

 

 

ronniehoward: hello my girlfriend's cousin

 

 

cherylbombshell: i witnessed something last night that i thought you would like to know

 

 

ronniehoward: oh? do tell

 

 

cherylbombshell: well, my lawyer sierra mccoy had just finalized my emancipation from my Hideous mother and granted Gay Icon nana rose full legal guardianship over me. she told me she would deliver the letter of separation to my mother, but i volunteered to do so myself as i had generously allowed my mother and uncle claudius to live in one of the old thornhill estate's barnes

 

 

ronniehoward: aw congrats cheryl!!! my wig is snatched 

 

 

cherylbombshell: thank you xoxo

 

 

cherylbombshell: anyway, as i arrived i found myself witness to a shocking scene; my mother and uncle claudius were in the middle of a meeting with your father

 

 

ronniehoward: oh my god!? what were they talking about??!?!

 

 

cherylbombshell: unfortunately i gasped and revealed myself, but thankfully i hid in a barrel before i was found 

 

 

ronniehoward: are you still in the barrel??? do you need me to come save you???

 

 

cherylbombshell: ....no?

 

 

cherylbombshell: anyway, that's all i have to say. goodbye 

 

 

~~~

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

 

ronniehoward: hm

 

 

bettybop: what did cheryl say??

 

 

ronniehoward: something about Gay Icon nana rose and barrels 

 

 

edgelord: ???

 

 

ronniehoward: but more importantly i know have reason to believe that my father is paying claudius blossom to be the second black hood

 

 

archangel: !!!!elaborate!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: not enough time i have to confront my father yet again!!!!!

 

 

_You have left the conversation._

 

 

edgelord:...anyway archie you don't have to pick me up toni, sweet pea, and i are going to the whyte wyrm 

 

 

archangel: okay

 

 

archangel: betty wanna meet me at pop's at around 3

 

 

bettybop: oh sure!

 

 

edgelord: fucking......traitor 

 

 

~~~

 

_the next fucking night_

 

_~~~_

 

 

_Thursday, 6:27 PM_

 

_You have received a message from:_ **archangel**

 

 

archangel: jughead

 

 

edgelord: yes dear?

 

 

archangel: so my dad and i were talking with mrs. mccoy about the mayoral election and kevin called

 

 

edgelord:...yes?

 

 

archangel: he told me to come down to the station asap so i raced over there bc i assumed someone was dead but!!!! as soon as i arrived sheriff minetta tells me that he found the second black hood, that he was killed in a shoot out with law enforcement, and they know it's him bc the guns he used matched the ones at both of the attacks

 

 

edgelord: well who is it?!?!??!

 

 

archangel: gerald petite 

 

 

edgelord: tall boy

 

 

edgelord: well i'm not surprised. hiram's paid him to do his dirty work before

 

 

edgelord: and what would you know!! there are no loose ends and minetta can close up the black hood case! hiram gets away with it

 

 

archangel: well, how are you doing?

 

 

edgelord: long version or summary?

 

 

archangel: summary i have eggos in the toaster

 

 

edgelord: well the serpents are hiding out in the wyrm and my father lied about them falling apart. speaking of my father, he was laid off and now he wants to pack up and haul ass to toledo

 

 

archangel: are you moving to toledo?

 

 

edgelord: i can't archie. i can't fucking abandon you and the serpents 

 

 

archangel: babe

 

 

edgelord: wait cheryl's texting me 

 

 

_You have received a message from:_ **cherylbombshell**

 

 

cherylbombshell: minetta is raiding the whyte wyrm tonight. 

 

 

~~~

 

_9:37 PM_

 

_You have created a new chat._

 

_You have invited_ **archangel** _and_ **fredandrews**.

 

_You have named the chat:_ **HELP**

 

 

edgelord: HI MR ANDREWS THIS IS LAST MINUTE BUT LOST STORY SHORT THE SERPENTS HAVE BEEN KICKED OUT OF THE WHYTE WYRM AND THEY HAVE NOWHERE TO GO DO YOU KNOW ANY PLACE THEY WOULD BE OFFERED ASYLUM 

 

 

fredandrews: Yes Bring tHem To The House

 

 

archangel: dad we have four bedrooms in our house there are more than four serpents!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

fredandrews: Yes WE May Only HAve 4 Bedrooms but there are INFINITE Rooms in my HEART

 

 

edgelord: THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

 

 

_Friday, 6:16 AM_

 

fredandrews: Wakey Wakey Eggs n Bakey Silly Bitches

 

 

fredandrews: am literally Making Eggs n Bakey RN

 

 

fredandrews: Also WAffles n Pancakeys 

 

 

fredandrews: BOYS WAKE UP BEFORE EGGS BAKEY WAFFLES AND PANCAKEYS ARE GONE I AM CURRENTLY FEEDING 30 Serpents and Counting!!!!!!!!!

 

 

archangel: ok heading down right now dad!!!!

 

 

edgelord: mr. andrews i can not thank you enough for this

 

 

fredandrews: NP future Son-IN-Law WINK WINK

 

 

archangel: ???

 

 

edgelord: hhahahahhaa nothing!!!!!! :)

 

 

archangel: anyway, i completely forgot the student body president and mayoral elections are today!! i'm so nervous

 

 

edgelord: oh please arch, you and veronica are gonna crush ethel

 

 

edgelord: and mr. jones, you will kick hermione lodge's ass :)

 

 

fredandrews: Yes Now Get Your Butts Downstairs And EAT

 

 

~~~

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

archangel: veronica are you in the gym??? how many people are there???? are they voting for me and my dad?????

 

 

ronniehoward: yes, approximately 90, and i have no idea

 

 

ronniehoward: relax, we'll crush it!

 

 

bettybop: yeah you're going to do great, both of you :)

 

 

archangel: thank you betty <3

 

 

ronniehoward: b i don't see you anywhere???

 

 

bettybop: i cast my ballot early. i have some family business to attend to but i expect news of whoever won as soon as the results are in!!!

 

 

archangel: will do :)

 

 

edgelord: hey you guys i have decided that my favorite thing in this world are archie andrew's big beefy arms that could rip me in fucking half

 

 

archangel: oh wow that was random!

 

ronniehoward: hey jughead do you take constructive criticism

 

 

edgelord: sure

 

 

ronniehoward: you fucking suck

 

 

_3:28 PM_

 

 

bettybop: hey are they results in yet?!?!?

 

 

archangel: actually we're waiting for them in the student lounge 

 

 

bettybop: oof okay

 

 

archangel: yeah im so fucking nervous hahahahha :)))

 

 

edgelord: archie come to me so i can cuddle and kiss you and tell you everything will be alright

 

 

archangel: OKAY

 

 

ronniehoward: betty how did your family business go?

 

 

bettybop: it was alright. it gave me closure, to some extent 

 

 

ronniehoward: may i ask what this business was?

 

 

bettybop: nope

 

 

ronniehoward: k

 

 

edgelord: EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP WEATHERBEE IS ABOUT TO ANNOUNCE THE WINNER 

 

 

ronniehoward: no one is fucking talking 

 

 

ronniehoward: also.......shit

 

 

archangel: FUCK

 

 

edgelord: please please please please pleas eplease 

 

 

bettbop: why did all these texts pop up at the same time are you guys okay?!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!??!?!

 

 

archangel: ASHJKIUYGFHJNDCVHYJHEWJKDVHFRIGTHYJHGFSXYUCKVBPOGIRUH

 

 

ronniehoward: oh my god

 

 

edgelord: YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YE SY

 

 

bettybop: WHAIT WHAT'S HAPPENING 

 

 

ronniehoward: WE WON

 

 

bettybop: OH MY GOD CONGRATULATIONS 

 

 

archangel: im dead goodbye 

 

 

ronniehoward: rest in fucking pease 

 

 

edgelord: i can't believe my boyfriend is the president of the united states i couldn't be prouder :')

 

 

edgelord: OH NO

 

 

bettybop: ??????

 

 

ronniehoward: archie just fell asleep on the fuckinhhh floor

 

 

bettybop: my boy's sleep deprived :(

 

 

ronniehoward: um yeah we're all sleep deprived it's not a competition???

 

 

ronniehoward: and if it was i'd be in first place bitch

 

 

edgelord: nice try but i literally haven't slept in almost two weeks. i am literally running on caffeine and adrenaline but i feel...alive 

 

 

ronniehoward: damn never fucking mind 

 

 

bettybop: oh my god jughead why are you doing this to yourself???

 

 

edgelord: things have been hard since i was exiled to the sh*dow realm 

 

 

ronniehoward: oh so basically you haven't had sex with your ripped quarterback boyfriend in two weeks??? that's so sad :(

 

 

edgelord: sometimes i wonder why i even talk to you

 

 

bettybop: you guys i have to go!!! are there any plans for later?

 

 

edgelord: archie wants me to tell you that there's going to be a party at his house later 

 

 

edgelord: veronica you're not fucking invited

 

 

ronniehoward: hahaha funny joke

 

 

edgelord: betty your girlfriend is annoying 

 

 

bettybop: tell me something i don't know

 

 

ronniehoward: adshaaihghjksjahjiiuuh bitch

 

 

bettybop: bye love you both!!!!

 

 

**bettybop** _is offline._

 

 

ronniehoward: can't believe my own gf thinks im annoying what the fuck

 

 

edgelord: don't take it too hard!! sometimes archie can just open his mouth and i'll want to fucking punch him

 

 

ronniehoward: oh

 

 

edgelord: anyway can you please come help me wake archie up people are starting to get concerned and i have a serpent thing that i really can't be late to

 

 

ronniehoward: sure thing 

 

~~~

 

_You have received a message from:_ **archangel**

 

 

archangel: hey veronica

 

 

ronniehoward: archie!!! you're awake!!!! i really thought you were dead

 

 

archangel: well i lived bitch

 

 

archangel: and i'm standing outside your apartment please buzz me in

 

 

ronniehoward: BITCH what????!?!?!? are you doing

 

 

archangel: i need to talk to your father

 

 

ronniehoward: uhhhh he isn't home

 

 

archangel: okay but i was wondering if i could borrow the really good lube you somehow always have stocked

 

 

ronniehoward: um okay

 

 

ronniehoward: but my dad is home oops

 

 

archangel: bitch you lied??!?!?!?!?

 

 

ronniehoward: um yes because i don't want you to stupidly confront my father!!!!!!!

 

 

archangel: well too bad because i'm going to stupidly confront your father!!

 

 

ronniehoward: boy

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm not buzzing you in 

 

 

archangel: please 

 

 

ronniehoward: no

 

 

archangel: please 

 

 

ronniehoward: bitch no!

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

archangel: please

 

 

ronniehoward: FINE

 

 

ronniehoward: but i'm not giving you any share of my Uberlube Luxury Lubricant 

 

 

archangel: fine

 

 

archangel: but please let me in i've been standing her for almost half an hour 

 

 

ronniehoward: omfg fine 

 

~~~

 

_8:56 PM_

 

_You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

 

edgelord: hey y'all im done with my serpent meetingggggg

 

 

archangel: great! come over the party's already started 

 

 

edgelord: okay

 

 

edgelord: is there any alcohol over there??

 

 

ronniehoward: um no i think if i drank even a drop of wine i would immediately combust

 

 

ronniehoward: mr andrews does not need my drunk ass to give him more problems 

 

 

bettybop: yes you are very messy when you are drunk but i still love you honey!!

 

 

ronniehoward: :') love you too

 

 

archangel: juggie how far are you?

 

 

edgelord: i'm pulling up right now

 

 

edgelord: wow, there are no flashing lights coming from the windows or obnoxiously loud music blaring!! i can only assume this is a classy party

 

 

archangel: yes this how we andrews men do

 

 

ronniehoward: ew shut the fuck up

 

 

archangel: okay

 

 

archangel: jughead i see you i'm gonna go and kiss you now!!!!

 

 

edgelord: okay!

 

 

archangel: i love you

 

 

edgelord: i love you too

 

 

bettybop: wow i love love :)

 

 

ronniehoward: bitch go get me a plate of pizza bagels i'm hungry

 

 

bettybop: never fucking mind   

 

 

_10:09 AM_

 

 

ronniehoward: i can't believe my mom's mayor

 

 

edgelord: are you actually surprised?

 

 

ronniehoward: no

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm mostly horrified

 

 

ronniehoward: this guarantees my father's control over riverdale. nothing can stop him now

 

 

bettybop: well now what?

 

 

archangel: don't worry guys i have dirt on hiram and he wouldn't dare touch me if i reveal it

 

 

archangel: i could have the entire town up in arms' with just a few words

 

 

edgelord: this sucks ass :/

 

 

edgelord: archie meet me at the four seasons in ten minutes

 

 

archangel: okay why

 

 

edgelord: um i reserved us a room?

 

 

archangel: ????

 

 

archangel: honestly this whole day has felt like a fever dream so i'm just gonna go with it!!

 

 

ronniehoward: wait....are you guys gonna fuck???

 

 

edgelord: veronica.....don't..........remind me 

 

 

archangel: yeah we'll have sex if it feels right

 

 

bettybop: first of all tmi

 

 

bettybop: second of all i thought you banished jughead's dick to the shadow realm???

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah and i personally think he deserves it :/

 

 

edgelord: fuck you

 

 

archangel: i've decided to end his exile 

 

 

ronniehoward: WHAT

 

 

bettybop: WHAT

 

 

edgelord: WHAT

 

 

archangel: yeah

 

 

edgelord: GOTTA ZAYN

 

 

**edgelord** _is offline._

 

 

archangel: bye guys!!! see you all tomorrow!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: have fuuun 

 

 

bettybop: can't wait to see you accept your victory!!!!!

 

 

archangel: :)

 

 

**archangel __**_is offline._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i know i ended this chapter pretty awkwardly but!!!! i'm gonna deal with archie's arrest and everything next chapter, which will come after the season 3 premiere in october!!!
> 
> see you guys then!!!!! <3 <3 <3


	15. hoe my fuckingggg god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> basically the prologue for season 3 instead of the first episode because i'm totally not behind at allllllllllllll

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi and welcome to the season 3 premiere of this shitshow fic ;)))))))))))
> 
> i know i know i know i am so behind on episodes and such but i meant to write this chapter after the premiere but i was suddenly flooded with a shit ton of work and other boring stuff. also i've spent a great majority of that time trying to find my baby nephew a gift for his first birthday but???? what can you buy a one year old that they will genuinely enjoy and leave an impact in their developing brain.........if you have any ideas comment below!!!1!1!!!
> 
> anyway let's get into this chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_May 28, 2018, 9: 20 AM_

 

 _You have entered the chat:_ **idk**

 

 _You have changed the chat name to:_   **hoe my fuckingggg god**

 

ronniehoward: hi um where is everyone??? the assembly is starting in exactly 10 minutes and i haven't seen any of you guys???? archie i'm pretty sure you have to attend your own inaugural speech as student body president but that's just a thought

 

 

archangel: i'm writing my speech in men's bathroom

 

 

edgelord: correction-i am writing his speech in the men's bathroom

 

 

ronniehoward: ?!?!?!?!?!????!??!?!?!???!!?

 

 

bettybop: and i am heading in right now!!

 

 

ronniehoward: okay betty i see you but 

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm a little bit concerned as to why you didn't write the speech days ago??? when you knew you were elected???? what the fuck???

 

 

edgelord: i think we all know by now that archie andrews, while an undeniably handsome but questionably intelligent young man, only has about 3 functioning brain cells and can't write a coherent paragraph to save his life 

 

 

bettybop: yeah i think we know that

 

 

archangel: um last time i counted i had 4 brain cells so :)

 

 

edgelord: wow big difference arch

 

 

ronniehoward: speech starts in three minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

edgelord: k i'm done we're heading over now

 

 

bettybop: omg archie just in case we don't see each other before your speech, i just wanted to say i'm so proud of you and you're going to be such an amazing president :)

 

 

archangel: thanks betty i guess :/

 

 

edgelord: yeah you'll do okay i guess 

 

 

archangel: omfg.....high praise......thank you so much jughead literally you're the only person who has ever supported throughout this process ily :')

 

 

bettybop: what the fuck

 

 

ronniehoward: ARCHIE GET YOUR GINGER ASS TO THE GYMNASIUM RIGHT NOW!!!

 

 

archangel: okay damn 

 

 

archangel: i'm leaving my phone with my amazing boyfriend jughead who gives me the strength and purpose to go on <3

 

 

edgelord: wow that nearly thawed by frozen heart. nearly 

 

 

ronniehoward: archie go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: wait he doesn't have his phone lol

 

 

bettybop: hey jughead can you do me a favor and stop whispering to me about how handsome archie looks as president i'm trying to listen to the national anthem

 

 

edgelord: sorry but expressing archie andrew's hotness will always be more important that pledging allegiance to the unrecognizable horror our country has become

 

 

bettybop: okay true but josie's singing 

 

 

egdelord: oh shit you're right

 

 

bettybop: hey sheriff minetta just walked in?????? 

 

 

ronniehoward: probably here to arrest archie because he's murdering all the ladieeeesssss 

 

 

edgelord: first of all that triggers me bc that implies that people beside me are attracted to archie 

 

 

ronniehoward: i'm sorry to say this jughead but archie is a conventionally attractive man with a near perfect body so there's bound to be some people who are attracted to him. hell i'm a lesbian and even i tried to get into his pants 

 

 

ronniehoward: or maybe i'm just bisexual i'm still trying to figure myself out lol

 

 

edgelord: now i'm upset 

 

 

bettybop: um???

 

 

edgelord: ????????

 

 

edgelord: wha

 

 

ronniehoward: hey do you think minetta walking archie out of the gymnasium in handcuffs was part of the speech because if so i fail to see the point but i very much appreciate the flair

 

 

ronniehoward: oh whoops i think i actually see a cop car!!!!!!

 

 

ronniehoward: betty jughead's running away go follow him!!!!!!

 

 

bettybop: why aren't you!?!?!?!

 

 

ronniehoward: babe these are louboutin heels!!! i have $725 on each foot and ur not meant to run in luxury!!!

 

 

bettbop: UGH

 

_12:09 PM_

 

 

ronniehoward: betty is jughead home????? is he okay?????

 

 

bettybop: yeah he's still shaken up but mr jones is there so he'll be taken care of

 

 

ronniehoward: okay

 

 

edgelord: you guys do know you're still talking in the gc that i'm a part of 

 

 

ronniehoward: yes

 

 

bettybop: yes

 

 

edgelord: okay well yes i am still a bit....unnerved but i am perfectly fine 

 

 

bettybop: jug your boyfriend just got framed for murder i don't think anyone expects you to be "perfectly fine"

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah just take some time for yourself 

 

 

edgelord: the longer i sit around feeling sorry for myself, the longer archie sits at the police station, alone and scared

 

 

bettybop: mr andrews is with him, he isn't alone 

 

 

edgelord: fuck

 

 

edgelord: i just feel so helpless 

 

 

ronniehoward: we all do

 

 

ronniehoward: my shithead father abused his power to put an innocent boy in (potential) prison and there's literally nothing i can do

 

 

bettybop: it wasn't your fault veronica 

 

 

ronniehoward: we should have never went to that stupid fucking cabin i'm

 

 

edgelord: it wasn't your fault

 

 

edgelord: my fiance is being charged with a murder he did not commit, but we need to stay calm and stop blaming ourselves

 

 

bettybop: jughead's right. the only person responsible is hiram lodge and i will personally fight him to death if that means archie can come home safely 

 

 

ronniehoward: my father is 3x your size but i appreciate the thought sweetheart 

 

 

edgelord: let's meet at pop's in 20 mins. i need a distraction right now

 

 

bettbop: same

 

 

ronniehoward: i second that motion

 

 

bettybop: see you all there!!

 

 

ronniehoward: wait

 

 

bettybop: what

 

 

ronniehoward: jughead, did you just refer to archie as your....fiance?????????????????

 

 

bettybop: well good to know jughead is still susceptible to autocorrect mistakes lol

 

 

edgelord: it wasn't a mistake 

 

 

bettybop: akshdjkuifkjdghsjghsjkahskjhdskhajkdhjsxncbghdghedckdhwgcdmsndhjdndbhdjdndhjgshkdghjs

 

 

bettybop: WHAT

 

 

ronniehoward: i am....disgusted......mostly confused.....what the fuck 

 

 

edgelord: there is a perfectly reasonable explanation 

 

 

bettybop: jhdwgejdgqsakjaksdjhewjdhsgjklkaowdoiwjqeaqhjlha

 

 

edgelord: betty please stop communicating your shock through random keyboard smashes please

 

 

bettybop: sghjkansbhjskdnbhjkmanklksdjhsdghfgdkalsiakshdsksdhjekwajksjieksdxhejdhsagfdsalkdxdfksdfhdjsl

 

 

ronniehoward: i think she's having an stroke we've fucking lost her 

 

 

edgelord: well anyway

 

 

edgelord: archie and i are engaged to be married 

 

 

ronniehoward: why???????? you aren't even legally old enough to get married why are you even

 

 

ronniehoward: what the fuck what the fuck is going onnnnnnn

 

 

edgelord: um archie and i weren't planning to get married right away!!!!! obviously we were gonna wait until high school ended, maybe even college...

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah well now archie might be shipped off to prison so you might have to wait until you're walking around a nursing home with a fucking catheter up your dick 

 

 

edgelord: i didn't take the possibility of one of us being framed and charged for murder into account veronica i'm so fucking sorry

 

 

bettybop: stop fighting please

 

 

bettybop: i've had a revelation 

 

 

ronniehoward: in the five minutes since you've had a fuckin stroke bitch???

 

 

bettybop: yes

 

 

bettybop: veronica if i asked you to marry me right now would you say yes?

 

 

ronniehoward: ...most likely

 

 

bettybop: then get your dry pussy off jughead's dick puhleaseeeeee

 

 

ronniehoward: damn sorry

 

 

ronniehoward: also my pussy is not dry and it's ESPECIALLY not dry when i see betty in her vixens uniform ;)

 

 

bettybop: aw babe!!!!!!!! <3<3<3

 

 

edgelord: please........; stop talking about your vaginas

 

 

ronniehoward: oh right sorry

 

 

ronniehoward: we're all sorry that archie is framed for murder but how do we fix that

 

 

edgelord: if only archie had a close relative that just so happened to be an attorney

 

 

ronniehoward: yeah :/

 

 

bettybop: dumb bitch he's talking about his mom

 

 

ronniehoward: oh!!!!! mrs andrews what a legend 

 

 

edgelord: hopefully she takes archie's case bc we're all broke and idk any lawyers in riverdale 

 

 

ronniehoward: sierra mccoy?????

 

 

edgelord: she doesn't like me!!!

 

 

bettybop: well to be fair no one does 

 

 

edgelord: damn bitch

 

 

edgelord: wait i just thought of something super random 

 

 

edgelord: do you guys remember when archie broke his arm when reggie ran him over with a golf cart

 

 

bettybop: and he screamed "sweet niblets" lmaooo

 

 

edgelord: yeah and then he spent the entire time recovering watching rip vine compilations :,)

 

 

bettybop: god i miss him

 

 

edglord: me too

 

 

ronniehoward: archie isn't fucking dead i mean his brain might be dead but he's an alive actual human person on this earth in this day and age 

 

 

bettybop: speaking of archie where is he rn

 

 

edgelord: probably in a holding cell

 

 

ronniehoward: hmmm

 

 

ronniehoward: well i'm like 4 mins away from pops so let's all stop being emo and have some carbs and delicious milkshakes 

 

 

ronniehoward: also i'm gonna invite cheryl and toni because their lesbian love sends me good vibes

 

 

**ronniehoward** _has exited the conversation._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i made jughead and archie engaged bc i wanted to so
> 
> sorry this chapter is pretty much a filler but i thought it was kinda funny but idk please leave me comments and kudos because i need validation puhleaseeeeeeee 
> 
> i'll try to get the chapter out super soon and it'll probs be very very long and include content from two or more episodes which means even more gay shenanigans yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!111!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
